Oh, why must I write such dreadful things! If only I could have been there to tell the three Baudelaires the miserable things that would happen to them, so they would know in advance. Then I wouldn´t have to write a Series of Unfortunate Events. Instead, I could write A Series of Wonderful Events. Count Olaf, it´s all your fault. Please, leave the Baudelaires alone! Will you do it for me? Short with pimples? 
    Please, let this research book called "History of the Baudelaires" say that the Quaqmire triplets were found and rescued alive and Count Olaf was captured and sent to jail. But from my past research, I don´t think that will ever happen.
    Oh my sweet Beatrice! Help! Tell me if the Baudelaires are in heaven with you! I must know. And the public must know about the Baudelaires too. The public must know about the Baudelaires too and it´s up to me that they do. 
    So far, the Baudelaires have had a Bad Beginning, seen a Reptile Room, been in a house with a Wide Window, worked at a Miserable Mill, been students (and secretary) at the Austere Academy, been in a building with an Ersatz elevator, and soon, I will tell the public about the Vile Village, The Baudelaires next destination where a whole village adopts them! Then the 
carnival adventure, and the horrible hospital! I must keep those secret though. People should not find out about the Baudelaires too quickly. There's too much sadness in their story.
    Oh my! Time for lunch already! I have made a menu naming all the food I eat after the Baudelaires. Today, I will have Violet´s vegetables as an appetizer, Sunny´s special as the main course, and, for dessert, Klaus's candy. Beatrice, (a doll I named after my love) where would you like to sit today? I prepared your favorite food for you! (What ever that is.) Now we may eat, and then I will research more about the Vile Village. 
    Once I finish writing this horrid series, the public will know everything about the Baudelaires. 
    Every detail.