The best way to garden is
to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe
in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to
Texas Bix Bender, Don't
Throw in the Trowel
I do not like broccoli.
And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat
it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any
George Bush, U.S. President,
A weed is a plant that
has mastered every survival skillexcept for learning how to grow in rows.
I have no plants in my
house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they
God made rainy days,
so gardeners could get the housework done.
Why are husbands like lawn
mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't
work half the time.
Hard work doesn't harm
anyone, but I do not want to take any chances.
Bulb: potential flower
buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
Gardening requires lots
of water - most of it in the form of perspiration.
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
"Yup, gardening and laughing
are two of the best things in life you can do to promote good health and
a sense of well being."
David Hobson, The Mad Gardener
A perfect summer day
is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing,
and the lawn mower is broken.
After all is said and
done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
There's one good thing
about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's.
Why did the tomato turn
red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
When I asked you to water
the plants, I did not expect you'd unzip your pants.
Mike Garofalo, Cuttings
A man walks into a flower
"I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did
you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not
sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What
exactly have you done?"
The philosopher who said
that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden.
Ray D. Everson
Belladonna: In Italian,
a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison.
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's
Your first job is to
prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden
tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he