"When Abraham Lincoln was your age," the father told his son, "he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school." "Really?" the kid said. "Well, when he was your age, he was president."
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look." she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six." he said.
Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It is the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?" "You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had think all day long"
Sure, technology brings about changes. But sometimes they're only changes in terminology. School kids don't use their dogs as excuse anymore. The up-to-date explanation is, "The hard drive ate my homework."
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to England," he said. "What on earth for?" his wife asked. "It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of the road - legally."
"What is this, tea or coffee? It tastes like kerosene." "It's coffee, madam. Our tea tastes like dishwater."
"I'd like a ham sandwich, please." "Sorry, sir. The only sandwich we make is the Super Special. It has salami, ham, cheese, pickles, onions, peppers and lettuce." "Please, all I want is a ham sandwich." "OK, sir. ONE SUPER SPECIAL. HOLD THE SALAMI, CHEESE, PICKLES, ONIONS, PEPPERS AND LETTUCE!!!"
"Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero." "Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give."
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner. "We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your elbow." "Why should I use my elbow?" the other asked. "You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
"Your application says you left your last job because of sickness. Could you explain that, please?" "Certainly. My boss got sick of me."
Henny Youngman: I asked my wife where she wanted to go on her vacation. She said somewhere she'd never been to before. I said, "How about the kitchen?"
How lazy is he? well, I've seen him step into a revolving door and wait.
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Don't take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."
"Is there a florist in the hotel?" the guest asked. "I want to send flowers to your switchboard operator." "How nice," the desk clerk said. "She'll be thrilled." "Thrilled?" the guest sneered. "I thought she was dead."
"daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from DETROIT. I want to know where I came from."