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The Ghost of Glastonburyby Doug SmithBrief background: England, October 7th, 1869. A dark and stormy night. A large, old mansion sits atop the driveway of Glastonbury Grove. Just down the road in a ditch lies an overturned carriage, its horses missing and its occupant--DEAD.(All characters except for Anna remain behind the doors at the top of the stairs. Anna waits patiently underneath the staircase.) (Butler enters from the storm outside and walks down the
main staircase. He is carrying a few books, a paper bag, and a small stack
of loose-leaf white pages. At first he does not notice the audience He
appears to be in a hurry, as he sets the objects down on the main table,
hangs up his coat, and, facing the audience, suddenly realizes that his
pants are unzipped. Mumbling to himself, he attempts to fix his mistake,
and after doing so, turns to grab the items off the table.)
Butler: (Whirling around in amazement at realizing the audience had witnessed his escapade) Hello…Terribly sorry about that…Um…Right. My name is Eric Oscar Pratt. Welcome to my house…well, actually my father’s house. We’re glad you could join us for this very historic night--the night when my father will unveil his greatest work yet--a poem like no other he has ever written before. (Holds up papers from table) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few more things to take care of before the other guests arrive. (Picks up books and papers and begins to head offstage, but stops suddenly.) (To audience member) Did you hear something? (Looks around, then turns to face opposite direction) Who are you? (Struggles as ‘ghost’ knocks him unconscious. He falls to the ground, scattering papers and books)
(Maid enters from upstairs) Maid: (Running towards Butler) Eric! (Shakes Butler back to consciousness) Are you all right? Butler: I’m all right…Just a little shaken; hardly stirred. Maid: What happened? Butler: Father was right--this place really is haunted. I didn’t just hear the strange noises, this time. I saw it! Maid: What did it look like? Butler: (Sigh) Now isn’t the time, dear sister--the guests will be arriving shortly. Maid: (Nods, then looks at scattered pages) Oh no! Isn’t that father’s new poem? Butler: Yes…but…look! All the words are gone! The ghost stole the lines of the poem right off the pages! (Holds up blank white pages) (Knock at the door) Maid: They’re here already! (Runs upstairs) (Butler collects scattered pages and books as Maid answers the door.) Maid: (Yelling from top of stairs) Um…Why exactly did father invite a Nun? Butler: (Looking up the stairs) Who? (Sister Mary enters and stands beside Maid. Maid closes door) Sister Mary: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything--but I was on my way back to the convent when I noticed a terrible accident alongside the road, just down from your lane. And I just heard the medics say that the poor woman in the carriage was dead. I assumed that since this was the only house around for miles, she was from this residence; I wanted to offer any counseling services I could. Butler: Afraid she’s not from here, sister. There’s no one here but Elsa and me, and our soon-to-be-arriving guests for the evening. (Knock at the door) Maid: That must be them now. (To Mary) Since it looks like the storm is only going to get worse, would you care to join us for at least supper? I’m sure we’ll have plenty of food for you. Butler: Sis! Maid and Sister Mary: (in unison) Yes? Butler: Sorry…ELSA, are you sure that’s wise?…I mean…would father approve? Maid: (As an aside to Butler) Who better to have around to scare off some pesky ghosts than a Woman of God, dear brother! (Motions for Sister Mary to go downstairs) (Sister Mary joins butler downstairs) Butler: Be sure to announce the guests properly--the way father would want it. Sister Mary: Properly? Butler: Yes, my father always likes to know who his food is giving indigestion to, so he has asked Elsa to announce who each guest is and tell a little bit about them. It’ll surely help them get more acquainted with each other, as well. (Mara opens door and takes out the ‘guest list.’ The guests stand atop the stairs until their bio has been read, then they proceed down the stairs and mingle on stage)
* Maid: Our first guest this evening is His Majesty, the King of Nenteendo, King Koopa, and his lovely mistress…. (Queen furiously snaps her gaze towards Maid)…WIFE! I meant WIFE!…Queen Daala of Ditsfield. (King and Queen enter) * Maid: A professor of music and performance at Oxford University and a recent survivor of a near-fatal crash with a banshee while visiting Ireland, Ms. Vibra Toe…no relation to the late Mrs. Wavy Foot, for those of you who were wondering…. (Aside) I know I wasn’t, because that’s just silly. Vibra: (Looking around) What a beautiful place! (Vibra enters) * Maid: Mr. and Mrs. Elmer Glood, conjoined twins born from parents growing up in the early 70’s- (clarifying) 1770’s--they realized that they could never reach a level of privacy from the other, and subsequently fell in love and married. Bitter enemies only a day after the frustrating honeymoon--they serve as a reminder to all why one should not marry one’s siblings. 1 Armed Man: I told you people would make fun of us if we left the cage! 1 Armed Woman: You’re the one who couldn’t wait to get some fresh air this month! (Both 1 Armed Man and 1 Armed Woman continue arguing as they enter) * Maid: Mr. Earl Wax, lover of music and small animals, taught speech class at Oxford University for over 50 years. A crusty, decrepit, old coot, Earl was born with a faulty brain which carries a rare disease called Questionitis--a painful virus that awakens whenever a question is being asked directly to Earl. But luckily, the disease has only spread to the sound of the question…(to Earl) “What?” Earl: (clutching ears) Ah! (Shakes fist at Maid and enters) *Maid: (with a stutter): Our next guests include Sheila Friedricks, and her whiny brat of a cousin, whom I will only refer to as ‘Brat’…just to tick her off. Sheila: That’s not funny! Brat: (Sticks out tongue at Maid as she walks by) (Sheila and Brat enter) *Maid: Next is the owner of England’s finest restaurant- ‘Pizza, Midgets, and More’, Mr. Jack Daniels, who, by the smell of him, appears to also be the owner and operator of every major bar and pub from here to London. (Mr. Daniels staggers in and fumbles his way down the steps) *Maid: A wonderful woman to call should you ever be in need of prosthetic arms or legs, Ms. Missy A. Limh, from the very small town of Amputate, Westchester. (Aside) How small, you ask? So small that on the map, it’s barely a nub! (Missy enters w/ bag of ‘limbs’) *Maid: Our next guest of the evening is a long-time cook of all of England’s two public schools- (in a gruff, bass voice)- HELGA. Helga: (Nastily) Oh let me through the bloody door, already. This caramel cake I brought is going to get soaked out here in the rain! (Helga enters) *Maid: Also joining us tonight is Colonel Noid- retired paratrooper in Her Majesty’s service. Colonel: (looking frantically around as he walks through the doorway) Back in the day before I became a colonel, my fellow troopers used to call me ‘ParaNoid’, for short. I never could figure out why. (Looks back at Maid) What?! What did you say? I’m watching you, you know. (Looks around more then walks down stairs) (To Audience) I’m watching all of you! *Maid: Celebrated singer of England’s finest honkey-tonk and the man who claims to be the one true king of this fine country- Elvin Presslie. Elvin: Thank you, thank you very much. (Elvin enters) *Maid: And our final guest for the evening, Dr. Kostoomuch, a family medical practitioner, and also Glastonbury’s coroner, mortician, and public executioner, whom, I might add, charges only half price should you expire on a Tuesday or Thursday. (Dr. enters)
Maid: And that is the guest list for this… (Knock at the door) (Maid Opens the door and looks in) Maid: (Calling down to Butler) Oh! The fruit is here! I’ll have her bring it down! (Butler looks up with a confused look.) (A Mime enters carrying a box of melons and walks towards Butler) Mr. Daniels: (To Maid) Young lady, who in the world did you order your fruit from? Maid: I got a good deal if I ordered over the wire from Mr. Bartetchko. Butler: Lubos Bartetchko? I warned you never to do wire orders with a dyslexic, deaf man! I ordered 4 lemons and a lime, not 4 MELONS AND A MIME!…(Takes box of melons from mine and sets it off-stage) Queen: You’re soaking wet, little girl! How on earth did you get here? Mime: (mimes an airplane, flies around a group of people) Earl: In an airplane? Colonel: Odd…those things won’t be invented for another 27 years. Maid: Oh! She must mean that bamboo glider parked next to the curb outside. Helga: Well, you’ll never get off the ground in your…uh…’ glider’ with this storm. You might as well stay and have supper with us, (to Butler), if that’s okay Mr… Butler: Pratt. Eric Oscar Pratt. And as for a place to put you…I think the Iron Maiden is currently unoccupied, or we might possibly be able to put you up for the night on the rack… Maid: Eric! Butler: We can’t have one of those… ‘things’ milling about the place all night, can we? Sister Mary: But she’s just a little mime! Butler: Exactly my point! (Mime mimes a sad girl who is pouting and crying heavily) Butler: Oh, all right…I guess we can find something to do with you. (Grabs a towel and dries off the Mime.) King: (Turning around to look at dinner place settings) Pratt sure does a fine job- he even has all our seats marked at the table. (All guests turn around and look at the head table. Anna walks out from under stairway and stands behind them) Earl: (Turning around first and noticing Anna) Ah! (All guests turn around) All Guests: Ah! Butler: There you are, Anna. Everyone, this is Anna. She has lived here in the mansion with us for as long as I can remember. Almost a relic of this old place, if you wish. Vibra: That’s terrible to call such a young girl a relic! Maid: You’d be surprised. She’s probably older than the lot of you. Butler: Well, on behalf of my father, I’d like to thank you all for coming this evening. Sheila: So where is your father? Missy: And when do we get to meet him? Dr: We all know the wonderful poems he has written under his pen name, but we’ve yet to discover his true identity! Maid: Our father was to be here over an hour ago, but the storm must have slowed him down. He’ll be here shortly, I’m sure. 1 Armed Man: So did your father take this new poem with him? 1 Armed Woman: Or did he leave a copy here at the mansion? Butler: The good news is that there was a copy left here. Brat: Good. The sooner we can read the stupid thing, the sooner we can get out of here. This place gives me the creeps. Maid: But the bad news is that the copy has been…stolen. Helga: Stolen? From inside the house? Queen: By whom? Butler: Ghosts. ALL: Ghosts?! Brat: I told you this place was creepy! Sister Mary: I’ve heard rumors before of this place being haunted. Vibra: That’s true! By the Ghost of Glastonbury! Maid: Right before you all arrived, I found Eric passed out on the floor. Butler: It’s true. I was carrying the poem with me when I heard a strange THUMP behind me. I turned around, and saw a quick glimpse of a white-robed figure- and then it all went dark. When I woke up, I only found these empty pages. (Holds up the blank pieces of paper) Earl: So the ghosts stole the words of the poem right off the pages? (Butler nods) Colonel: (Frantically looking around) They’re still around here, aren’t they? The ghosts. Helga: (In a tantrum) Who cares? Ghosts or no ghosts. I’m hungry! Elvin: Me too. Let’s worry about the missing poem later. Missy: Right now, we should just be grateful that we’re inside and out of that nasty storm. (Everyone gathers to sing ‘ALL CREATURES…’) Vibra: But who cares about Oriana! With these ghosts running about, we should be singing ‘Long Live US!’ Dr: Well, none of us will live through the night if we starve to death! Let’s eat! Butler: Very good, sir. You will all find your names next
to your proper place at the table.
Brat: I hope I don’t have to sit by (in a snobby voice) ‘The ROYALTY’…Their kind makes me sick! Queen: Think how we feel having to associate with the likes of someone who is better than us…(King nudges Queen), I mean who thinks she’s better than us! Silly me… Sheila: And I’ve shared enough meals with her. (Points to Helga.) I don’t want to have to suffer through another one. Helga: Well, you should at least be grateful that I didn’t cook it this time. (1 Armed Man and Woman approach their seats in the middle of the table.) 1 Armed Man: Bloody hell! (To Maid) Why do I always get stuck sitting by her! (Points to 1 Armed Woman) 1 Armed Woman: (Sarcastically): Well, maybe you’d like the ghosts to sit in-between us for supper! 1 Armed Man: I’d put half of England between us if I could! (Looks at Missy, who is sitting on the opposite side of him.) Oh, just what I need- another woman in my life who won’t leave me alone! (Looks up to the sky) Kill me now, Mr. Ghost! King: Oh enough of all this ghost-talk! Let’s just remember the special occasion that brought us all here in the first place. To commemorate this night, I shall offer a toast! (Everyone raises his or her glass) Sister Mary: Wait! Look at this! Look at my napkin! (Holds up napkin) There’s something written on it! Helga: Let me see that! (Grabs napkin) King: It looks like a plot synopsis! Colonel: Maybe it’s the synopsis of the poem! Brat: Read it! Helga: A dark and stormy night it was,
For the strangers were being watched that night
Before they knew it, it was too late
Earl: Pratt, is this what your father’s poem was really about? Butler: I really couldn’t say, Sir. He never told me. Colonel: So this is where it all ends! Sheila: Don’t say that! Vibra: No one is going to die tonight. Sister Mary: The good Lord already took that one girl who was in the accident outside. Hopefully, she will be the last tonight. Colonel: Then it’s started already! Elvin: Don’t be paranoid, ParaNoid. Let’s get on with the toast. (All raise glasses again and sing THE TOAST SONG) (Everyone takes a sip from their glass and sets the glass down) Maid: I’m assuming that all of you know the rules of etiquette, but because our father is a very picky and proper individual, he will expect you all to follow them when he arrives. So let’s review: Rules of Etiquette: King: Upon entering the castle, all weapons of a violent nature should be checked at the Main Gate. Queen: Failure to do so may result in a fine or more likely- a death sentence…to your fellow guests, that is. Vibra: Guests- for their own safety- should not wander about the spooky, old mansions without a guide, for fear of becoming lost, or being accidentally trapped in the dungeon. Colonel: Guests are not allowed to play in the torture chamber unattended or without the use of a spotter. Helga: Guests should not discuss murder or death while the main course is being served or eaten, but if they use tact--it may be discussed lightly over dessert. Sister Mary: Should any guests come across someone who is dead, they should not hold it against the individual and should treat that person the same as if they were alive. Earl: And finally, if you see something or someone in the house that might be dead, remember that it is quite rude to bluntly ASK him if he truly is dead or not. Elvin: A better way of proving if you are correct in your assumption is to repeatedly poke it with a blunt object. Butler: And in consideration of these recent tragedies and to lighten the mood a bit, I shall also read to you the Rules of Etiquette…for DEAD PEOPLE. (Butler reads RULES OF ETTIQUETTE FOR DEAD PEOPLE)
Butler: If you have recently had the misfortune of realizing that you are deceased, the following rules will apply: You may no longer verbally speak to persons either dead or alive. Regardless of how thin and trim you may look in a mirror, no one else--except for other dead people--is able to see you. There shall be no hiding or lewding in dark corner or back alleys. It should be noted that campaigning for the Armies of Heaven or Hell- depending on your party Ideology- will only occur every four years. And finally, it should also be noted that drunken behavior and false impersonation of the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, Future…or Patrick Swayzee…is both offensive and illegal in 12 countries. Failure to comply with these rules will result in a rather
severe punishment. However, it’s unclear how sever it could possibly be,
because, let’s face it--you’re already dead.
Maid: Now…I hope everyone enjoys the food that Eric and I have prepared. We shall bring it out momentarily. (FOOD IS SERVED- ELSA AND ERIC BRING OUT FOOD TO HEAD TABLE, COOKS SERVE AUDIENCE) [When the head table is done eating and all guests are mingling in the audience with the exception of Mr. and Mrs. Glood and Missy, Missy A. Limh begins to choke. This is to signify that the meal-portion of the evening is over.] (Missy stands up quickly and pushes her chair back- the 1 Arms stand up behind/next to her. 1 Armed Man pats Missy on her back; 1 Armed Woman pats Missy on her stomach- tossing Missy back and forth. Missy continues to choke- amidst her last gasps of breath, she falls back into her chair, and slumps over onto the head table. Dr. quickly runs to behind the table and examines Missy.) 1 Armed Woman: You killed her, you idiot! 1 Armed Man: She’s not dead…is she Dr.? Dr.: (With a bit of strange excitement in his voice) Oh, she’s dead all right! (Guests gasp!) 1 Armed Woman: I told you that you killed her! 1 Armed Man: Well, I wasn’t the one forcing the food back DOWN her throat! I was trying to make her cough it up! 1 Armed Woman: Well, a lot of good it did! (Mary walks behind table towards Missy and blesses her.) Sheila: What should we do with her? King: Call the coroner! Dr: I AM the coroner, remember? (Pulls out white veil and drapes Missy with it. She then rises.) (Dr. and Mary return to the group, as the 1Armed Man and Woman walk down stage to a ‘separate room.’ The group remains looking ahead at the audience, oblivious to the husband and wife’s conversation.) 1 Armed Man: What did you go and do that for? 1 Armed Woman: I didn’t know how you wanted me to handle it! 1 Armed Man: Well. I didn’t think killing her would have solved anything! 1 Armed Woman: But I didn’t do that! You did! 1 Armed Man: You’re always accusing me when things go wrong! (Reaches out with his one arm and begins to strangle 1 Armed Woman.) (1 Armed Woman reaches out and begins to strangle the 1 Armed Man. They both scream and strangle each other to death- toppling to the ground. Upon hearing the scream, the guests look around at each other in a panic.) Earl: That sounded like Mrs. Glood! (Sister Mary and Dr. run to where the couple are laying on the ground. The guests are still oblivious to what happened. The 1 Armed Man and Woman are draped w/ a veil, who then rise.) (Dr. and Mary return to the group) Sister Mary: You’re not going to believe this…but Mr. and Mrs. Glood are dead! (Everyone gasps!) Dr: They strangled each other. Brat: Which one did it? Dr.: (Pauses to think)…I’m really not sure...I guess in ‘theory,’ it could even have been by done someone else. King: Maybe it was the Ghost of Glastonbury! Queen: It’s terrible--an entire family…gone! Butler: Look on the bright side. At least they died in each other’s arms. Vibra: We should honor their passing with a love song. Colonel: But they hated each other! Vibra: Well…then we’ll sing it in French. Earl: Good call. No one pays attention to the French, anyway! (All guests- including dead ones- gather to sing Mon Coeur Se Recommend A Vous) Mary: I found Mr. Glood’s napkin still stuck in his shirt
collar…wait till you hear was written on it. I think it’s another part
of the poem:
A couple joined by more than love,
Colonel: Then our fates are sealed! The ghosts DO want to kill us! Vibra: And they will kill us by means of whatever is written in the poem! Elvin: We can’t leave because of the storm, so we have to think of some way to get out of this alive! Helga: I think it’s quite obvious what we have to do. If the ghosts stole the script, then they know who is to die next…and how. Mr. Daniels: (Nodding a la the typical Budweiser fashion) True… Sister Mary: So all we have to do is find the missing pieces of the poem before the ghosts take their next victim! Queen: Good idea. Let’s split up. Earl: But let’s meet back here in this room every five minutes--whether we’ve found anything or not. King: Good idea. That way we’ll be able to keep track of each other. (Guests begin to move down through the audience/along the sides) Colonel: (While moving) You mean so we can see how many of us are still alive! (Queen and Brat remain on center stage) Brat: I’m going to check upstairs. (Walks up stairs) Queen: Just be careful. Those steps go up. Brat: No kidding. Oh guess what? They’ve just come out with a new kind that goes down, too! Queen: Really? What will they think of next? (She continues to snoop around the head table) Brat: (At the top of the stairs) Hey, there’s a bird up here! Hey Birdy, Birdy! Queen: Oh be careful! It might be poisonous or something! Brat: It’s got something in its mouth! (To bird) What have you got there, Mr. Bird? (Queen moves against wall and bumps into the ‘light switch’) Queen: Oh no! All guests: (From their place in the audience- looking around and fumbling in the darkness) Hey! Who turned off the lights? (Guests start to move back towards the center stage.) Brat: Mr. Birdy! No! Come back here! Ah!!!….(Falls down stairs- lies dead on the ground) (As Brat falls dead, the bird attacks the Queen. Queen tries to swat at the attacking bird.) Queen: (Yelling) The birds! The birds! (While swatting the birds) Ouch!! (Falls to the ground- DEAD.) [Signal to regroup- the Queen shouting] (After Queen dies, guests are in place around her body. Everyone gasps as the Butler walks over and turns the lights back on.) Sheila: She’s surrounded by feathers! Helga: Her nose has been snapped off! Dr.: (To King). I’m sorry, your Majesty. Sister Mary: Look! (Points to Brat) (Ghost Missy places veil over the Queen- Queen rises) (Mary and Dr. rush over to Brat) Dr. Her neck must have broken as she fell down the stairs. (Ghost 1 Armed Man and Woman drape veil over Brat) Earl: (Points to off stage floor) Look- there’s the bird! It dropped something! (Walks over and picks up piece of paper that was hidden offstage) (Brat re-joins group) Sister Mary: Maybe it’s another piece of the poem! Earl: (Reading poem) Haunted by the past and the love
she once lost,
For the nursery rhyme was true, in that
Elvin: I recognize that! It sounds like a part of that old nursery rhyme- ‘Sing a Song of Sixpence’! (Everyone sings SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE) Colonel: But wait a minute. The poem reads that the blackbird snapped off the maid’s nose, not the Queen’s! Maid: So I was the one who should have died? Dr: The ghost got it wrong! Sister Mary: (Sarcastically) Maybe the ghost found the liquor cabinet! Sheila: Quick! Hide the brandy! Mr. Daniels: Great idea! (Runs over to table and drinks down the bottle of brandy. Hiccups) Vibra: (astonished) He did not just do that. (Mr. Daniels slumps over, but the table catches his fall…he picks himself up and starts giggling to himself. Earl and Elvin approach Mr. Daniels and grab onto each side.) Mr. Daniels: Ah! The ghosts! (Points out towards audience. Guests gasp as Earl and Elvin drop Mr. Daniels and duck.) Mr. Daniels: (Slapping knee) Ha ha…just kidding. (Giggling and staggering back to join the group.) Man, I haven’t felt this good since the night I slept with all them sheep in Galbally Town! ALL guests: (shocked) What?! (Everyone regroups to sing GALBALLY FARMER) Mr. Daniels: Oh, what a night. Vibra: Late December back in ’63…(stops and looks around.) Sorry. Elvin: So what should we do about the ghosts? Mr. Daniels: Who cares?! I’ll hear nothing of it. In fact…(takes out cotton balls)…I’ll hear nothing at all! I’m going to sleep! (Puts cotton balls in his ears and slumps down in one of the chairs on stage) Earl: (Shakes head) All right, let’s split up again.
Earl: (To Mr. Daniels, as he walks off stage) I’ll come back to check on you, Mr. Daniels. (All the dead guests gather on stage, and mime around Mr. Daniels, trying to get him to wake up. Soon after, Earl returns to the stage and approaches Mr. Daniels. The dead guests leave the stage.) Earl: (To Mr. Daniels) Are you okay? (He nudges Mr. Daniels awake.) Mr. Daniels: (Startled) What?! Earl: (Falls backward clutching head) (Short of breath) I asked if you were okay! Mr. Daniels: What? (Earl stumbles back again in pain) I can’t hear ya, sonny! (Points to ears) Cotton thingys in ma ears!! Earl: Please stop saying that word! Mr. Daniels (Turns away from Earl to pull out cotton balls) What?…Oh, just wait a minute! Earl: (With his last dying breath) STOP!!! Mr. Daniels: (pulls one out) (screaming) WHAT?!?! (Earl falls to the floor- Dead.) Mr. Daniels: (Pulls the second cotton ball out and turns to find Earl on the floor) Oh sure, I took these things out so I could hear ya, and now ya fall asleep on me! Oh well…Goodnight, then. (Slumps back in chair) (Seconds later Mr. Daniels screams painfully. He looks over at ‘ghost’ figure on stage- though the stage is empty save for himself.) Mr. Daniels: I had a feeling it was you. Feel better now, do you? (Pulls out a pizza cutter from his chest.) How fitting that you use the one thing that first brought us together, to separate us…for good! (Shakes pizza cutter at the ‘ghost’.) Well you’d better be careful. You’re not the only one with a ghost or two up his sleeve! (Moans, and falls dead in his chair) [As Mr. Daniels makes his final remarks, the Colonel makes his way onto the opposite side of the stage] Colonel: (Looking up, and covering his head as a giant ‘object’ falls on top of him) Ah!! (Colonel topples to the ground-Dead. As the Colonel screams, the guests start to run back towards the stage) Maid: What was that? Butler: It came from the dining room! (Everyone gathers around the 3 newly dead bodies) King: I see dead people! Sheila: Are they really? Dr: Well, Colonel Noid certainly is. His head has been crushed by…whatever that is that fell on him. Vibra: (Bending over Colonel and pushing off ‘mysterious object’.) It’s huge…and weighs a ton! Sister Mary: Oh my! He’s been killed by a giant orchestral score of the Bach B Minor Mass! Elvin: (As an aside) It must have been the Crucifixus that got him. (Drapes the Colonel with a veil) Dr: It seems another piece of the poem has been stuck inside the score! (Pulls paper from out of ‘score’ and reads poem) Two business partners from yesteryear
Sheila: That’s it! That’s where I’ve seen the Colonel and Mr. Daniels before! They both worked at that Midget Pizzeria in Westminster! Vibra: You don’t suppose the Colonel killed Mr. Daniels, do you? Maid: It would make sense! Maybe the poem is right- Mr. Daniels and Mr. Noid owned the pizza place, but something went wrong, and that’s what sparked the vengeance between the two! (Maid walks over to Mr. Wax and drapes a veil over him.) Elvin: And poor Mr. Wax was found dead between them! (Reciting from poem) “An innocent man falls in-between.” King: One thing is for certain…The ‘Ghost of Glastonbury’ isn’t the only one doing a little ‘haunting’ tonight. Helga: He’s right. And it seems that at least between these two men, there is certainly some evidence of foul play. Dr.: And now that I think of it, I did notice those two men looking at each other in a rather peculiar manner. Sister Mary: To be perfectly honest, I’ve seen almost everyone looking to at least one other person in a peculiar manner. Vibra: You don’t think that… Sister Mary: I’m not sure what I think…but I do believe that we need to find the rest of this poem as quickly as possible. (Guests begin to leave the stage again.) Sister Mary: (As everyone is moving) Our lives depend on it! (The stage is empty except for Helga who searches one of the front audience tables.) Helga: (Picking up food and tasting it). I should really
ask the Butler for this recipe! Delightful! (Picks up planted glass and
examines it.) There’s something in the bottom of this cup! (Tries to dig
contents out, but decides to drink the contents and then retrieve the object)…(Begins
to choke. As Helga chokes, Sheila walks to the head guest table- oblivious
to what is happening to Helga. She turns around to face the audience after
Helga has collapsed- DEAD.)
Sheila: All this searching has made me hungry again! Someone might as well eat Helga’s Caramel cake! (Sneezes)…(turns her back to audience and ‘eats’ a piece of cake. Sheila begins to cough and choke…she can’t open her mouth because the caramel has stuck her mouth together. Not being able to breathe out of her nose because of her cold, she tries to call for help, but Sheila stutters herself to death. Sheila panics, and grabs her throat…makes strange noises…Sheila then falls dead- knocking over empty tray to the floor) (Guests begin to run back to the center stage) King: (Calling from the audience, as he is running) What was that noise? Butler: Back to the dining room!
Vibra: We’re too late. Maid: The caramel in this cake must have kept her jaw closed. And she couldn’t breathe out of her nose because of her cold…She must have tried calling for help, but only succeeded in Stuttering herself to death! Dr: Helga! (Points to body on floor as he runs towards it) Her lips smell of cyanide. She’s been poisoned by whatever was in this cup! (Holds up cup) Elvin: (Looks inside cup) There’s something in there!
(Pulls out piece of paper taped to the inside of the cup)
Elvin: (reads poem) An eye for an eye, a pie for a pie.
But to save the children from their food,
Vibra: So the ghost killed Helga because of her cooking, and poor Sheila stuttered herself to death! Sister Mary: This is a nightmare! My life was not supposed to end this way! (Looks up to sky) Please! Help us! Save us all from these wretched deaths! Save us from…! (Suddenly out of breath, she grasps her heart and falls to the floor. Dead.) (Dr. rushes to her side) Dr: (After examining) It looks like her prayers have been answered. Her heart gave out. (Drapes her with a veil) Elvin: Such a shame. A godly woman such as Sister Mary should not have had her life taken that quickly. We should honor her with a song, so we might also be blessed with her Faith and strength. King: (To Elvin) Not one of your songs, I hope. Elvin: Very funny. (Looks towards Sister Mary). May you know that you are remembered through the weeping of our eyes. (Sister Mary rises and everyone joins together to seeing ‘Weep, O Mine Eyes.’ After the song finishes, the Mime gasps and suddenly jumps up and down, her arms waving to get everyone’s attention. She points to the group, then to her ears, then to off in the distance.) King: I think she’s trying to tell us something! Elvin: (As if talking to a dog) What is it girl? Did you hear somethin’? (Mime puts her hands on her hips and looks disgusted. She then points to her ears again, then out to the audience.) Butler: You heard something from out there? (Mime nods furiously and points off stage) (Everyone begins to go back into the audience in the direction the mime had pointed) Elvin: (As they are running out) I sure hope your hearing is better than your speaking, young lady! (Mime is the 2nd last to leave the stage, Vibra remains on stage) (Vibra looks in the direction of where the group runs off, but as she starts to move, she stops and stares at the end of the table. She reaches over and picks up a piece of paper dangling from the end of the table.) (She silently reads the paper as she walks back to center stage.) Vibra: (Facing the audience on center stage, she calls out to the others) Guys- Wait! I know who it is!! It’s….AHHH!!! (Her mouth still moves for a few seconds, but no words come out. She looks puzzled out towards the audience- lifts her hand up to her throat- Vibra falls dead) (Everyone runs back to the stage) Maid: That sounded like Vibra! (As everyone gathers back on stage, the Dr. crouches over Vibra to examine her, then stands.) Dr: (Shaking head) It’s terrible…. Her voice box is gone. Mime: EEEEWWW!!!! (Everyone looks at Mime in amazement) Butler: You can really talk?? (As an aside) That’s a shame. Mime: (looking puzzled and worried…)…Um…(Smiles and grins uncontrollably, and shakes her head to cover up her ‘mistake’.) Maid: Poor Vibra…she was so proud of her voice. (Drapes Vibra with a veil.) Dr: It looks like her voice box isn’t the only thing missing- my medical bag is gone, too! It was just here a second ago. King: Maybe the ghost took it! Butler: (To Maid) Sis, did we ever double-check to make sure all the doors were locked? Maybe the ghost is slipping back outside when we split up to look for him. Maid: Even if we did, let’s check again. (To all guests) Everyone, stay here. We’ll be back in a few minutes. (Butler and Maid leave.) Elvin: (Turning to Anna) You certainly are a quiet one, aren’t you, lil lady? (Anna slowly nods her head in shameful agreement) King: Surely if you’ve lived in this place for as long as everyone says you have, you might have some clue as to what might help us catch these ghosts. Anna: (ashamed…and after a brief pause)…I’m not supposed to talk about it. Elvin: Says who? Anna: (Turns away from guests)…He said something bad would happen if I say too much. Dr: But you must help us before more people die! King: That’s right. Now, as your king, I order you to tell me all you know. Elvin: First of all, what is your full name? (Silence from Anna) Surely your name really isn’t just ‘Anna’, now is it? Anna: (Ashamed) Not exactly, sir…(turns away again). (Maid and Butler return) Anna: It’s Annabel…(Turns toward guests)…Annabel LEE. Butler: (Screaming) NO!! (Immediately after Butler screams, all guests stare straight ahead and sing ANABELL LEE) [Immediately after the applause has ended, Anna falls dead] Butler: (Rushing to Anna’s side and holding her) Annabel! Dr: (running to aid) My God! She’s ice cold! As if she were instantly frozen to death! Butler: (Looks to the back of the room) The window! (Furious) Who left that bloody window open?! Maid: It was warm in here, Eric. I thought the breeze would cool us all down! Elvin: (Sarcastically) I don’t need to be cooled down that much, thank you. Butler: Father warned us repeatedly about the curse on Annabel! Maid: I’m sorry! Butler: She was father’s pride and joy…and mine. (Butler drapes Anna with a white veil) King: (To Maid) So there are curses and ghosts in this House. Maid: My father loved Annabel…but he warned us that in creating her beauty, he unfortunately also created her curse. Elvin: (Nodding in understanding) And to escape the fate of the classic poem, she must be kept away from the chilling winds of the outside world. (Reciting from the poem) “That the wind came out of the cloud by night, Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.” Maid: That’s right. And should ever they meet at the same time that anyone from the outside world discovers who she really was…well…you know how it ends. King: It’s not your fault, my dear. If you ask me, this (points to Elvin) is the person who deserves blame! Elvin: Me? What did I do? King: Don’t try and fool us! I saw that look in your eye ever since you met that girl! The only reason you asked for her name was so that you could use it in one of your new lame songs you’ve got cooking up. Elvin: Lame?! Why you pompous, unoriginal git! Everyone knows that I’m the one true- man deserving of the title ‘King.’ (Elvin steps out and does a few pelvic thrusts and shakes) Try and beat that! (King steps out and joins in the ‘Shake-A-Thon’) King: I may be an old traditionalist, but I can still get on my royal groove! (Each ‘King’ competes with the other for a few moments. Soon after, King grabs his chest. He has shortness of breath. He punches his chest with his fist, then falls to the floor, twitching.) Dr: He’s had a heart-attack! I can’t help him without my medical bag! (Rushes to King’s aid…checks pulse, etc) Elvin: (Reaching into pocket and pulling out a pill bottle)…Here- these might help. I use them all the time. (Puts a few in Dr.’s hand) (Dr. puts pills in King’s mouth) Dr: We’re losing him! (Immediately after, King stops twitching. Dead.) Elvin: Well here- have some more. (Puts a few more pills in the Dr.’s hand) I know I’M going to! (Empties the rest of the pill bottle into his own mouth) Dr: (Standing). We lost him. Elvin: (Holding head and stomach…acting trippy)…Uh-oh. (Looks ahead at audience.) (With a serious tone)…Not again. (Falls dead of a drug overdose…again.) Maid: I don’t believe this…there are only four of us left…I think. Let me re-count. Dr: Unfortunately, you’re right, my dear. There’s no need to re-count. Butler: (to audience) Thank Heaven for that! (Ghosts cover up 2 dead bodies) Dr: We all must keep a level head about things. Maid: I’ve got an idea. Since finding these ghosts seem to be next to impossible, I suggest we all go upstairs and lock ourselves in separate living quarters until morning. Then hopefully the storm will have passed and we can all get out of here. Dr.: But if we’re worried about ghosts trying to kill us, why would we all want to sleep in separate rooms? Butler: Think of it this way…what would your friends say if they found out that you slept with a mime? Dr.: (Pondering, then agreeing) Point taken. Maid: On that note, let’s meet back downstairs in the study at 7:00 tomorrow morning. NO ONE is to leave his or her room before then, understood? (Everyone nods in agreement. All living guests leave single-file. As guests leave, all dead ghosts mime an interaction on stage.) [Soon after, Mime re-enters stage] Mime: (Yawning, and stretching out arms as if just awoken from sleep)…I know I’m not supposed to be out, but it’ll only take a second to get something to eat. (Mime walks to table and grabs something off of it. Turning back around to face audience. Startled) Oh! You scared me! Are you hungry, too? (Mime takes a step forward but stops as she hits her head on something. She mimes a giant ‘bubble’ around her. She finds the door, and pulls on the handle…but the bubble is ‘locked’. Choking and running out of air) Let me out of here! I’m running out of air!! (Falls dead) [As Mime falls dead, Maid enters] Maid: (Walking to stage) I should have remembered to turn up the heat for in the morning before I went to bed…(Sees Mime) Oh no! Mime-lady, are you all right? (Feels bubble…pushes her way through the bubble and examines the Mime. She begins to smell something odd…waves her hand in front of her face as fumes engulf the bubble…She tries the door, but it’s still locked…chokes more…screams) HELP ME!!! (Grabs throat, then falls dead.) Dr: (Running from the back room) What was that scream? (Runs to bubble, and tries to open the door, but it’s locked.) It’s locked! (Butler enters). Butler: Of course it is. (Tosses key at Dr.’s foot) We can’t have 2 homicidal maniacs running about the house, now can we? (Drapes a veil over Mime.) Dr: I hope you don’t expect me to believe that these two are the murderous ghosts. Butler: Of course not. You’re much too clever to think that…or are you? You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? (Drapes a veil over Maid.) Dr: I think I know that only one of us will walk away from this…and he who does is the real ‘Ghost of Glastonbury.’ Butler: (laughing)…This is true…but only in part. I suppose I should start from the beginning…besides, you still have a bit of time left before all the medicine sets in and numbs you from head to toe. Dr: What? Butler: Oh, don’t tell me that you didn’t indulge in that drink I set out for you on your bedside table. Dr: So YOU stole my medical bag! Butler: Oh no, I just borrowed it. Believe me, I intended on giving it all right back to you. (Dr. grabs leg in pain- sits in nearest chair with stiff legs outstretched) Dr: Why? Why me? Butler: Ah…the dying last words of every man. I’ll tell you why- Revenge. Pure and simple. Butler: My father has been dead for 20 years today. The world considered him a complete failure at his writing. Every guest that was here tonight was invited by ME. Unbeknownst to them, they all did know my father...and they hated him. But for the most part, each guest here tonight also knew at least one other person here, a person who sought what I sought--justice. Revenge against each other. I knew that if I gathered them all here together and provided them with the right circumstances, they would do the dirty work for me, and would end up killing each other. Dr: You’re a loony! Butler: Quite the contrary. It would have worked perfectly, but we ran into some glitches along the way. The appearance of a nun at my doorstep, for instance, was quite a shocker- as you can imagine. But, I guess she brought her own ‘divine intervention’ along with her after all. The MIME was also clearly a mistake. Dr: But all the rest of guests here tonight were…murderers? Butler: Exactly. I made up a story of the ‘Ghost of Glastonbury’ to provide a cover for everyone else to use. Dr: Impossible. Butler: Not at all. Here. I’ll let them explain it to you themselves: (All Ghost Guests are now lined up in a semi-circle in
the following order:
Butler: Mr. and Mrs. Glood were my neighbors as a child. They were so cheap, that I’d catch them stealing our morning paper off our doorstep and reading it only to return it to our doorstep the next morning. Missy: So Eric called me to go over to their house as a joke and taunt them with my prosthetic limb merchandise which we both knew they couldn’t afford because they were too cheap to have anything done to fix their…position. 1 Armed Woman: Well I never had a problem with her stopping by. 1 Armed Man: I was getting tired of it! 1 Armed Woman: (to 1 Armed Man) So you did do it on purpose! 1 Armed man: (points toward 1 Armed Woman)…AND tired of her! Butler: The King and Queen publicly degraded my father’s work and asked the people not to support it. Finding a way to get rid of them was easy. Brat: I knew the queen before she was the queen. We were in the small group of women that the King was to pick from during his courtship of his bride-to-be. It’s obvious now who he didn’t pick. Lucky for me, I found a little bird with a big appetite! Queen: (With unsuspecting giddiness) Turning off the lights was an accident…but now I’m glad I did it! Elvin: Everyone knew that ‘There Could Be Only One’…King, that is. And I’ll be darned if some arrogant, rich Brit was gonna take any credit for my hunka hunka burnin’ love! King: (To Elvin) Put on yer Blue Suede Shoes and take a hike, ya druggie! Butler: Sheila was right. Colonel Noid did work for Mr. Daniels at “Pizza, Midgets, and More.” Their rivalry after splitting up the business continued for the rest of their lives. And Earl Wax was my old speech teacher in college. But as I’m sure you can guess from his hearing loss, not a single student passed. I knew that throwing him in with a drunk…(pointing to Mr. Daniels) Mr. Daniels: Hey! Butler:…and a Schitzo (pointing to Colonel) Colonel: Hey! Butler:…would solve the problem. Earl: (Suddenly realizing that the Butler has been talking about him) What? (Looks amazed) Hey! I forgot! I’m dead! I’m cured! (To everyone around him) What? What? What? (Giggles…) Butler: For the health and safety of school children everywhere eliminating Helga meant there was a smaller chance for kids to not have to eat tasteless, wretched school lunches. Sheila: My speech-therapy class was always the last school program to dismiss for lunch, so I was always stuck with LEFTOVERS from the previous meal! So yes, I gave Helga a taste of her own medicine and poisoned her. And now I’m glad I did, since it was her stupid caramel cake that killed me! Helga: Eh…serves ya right! Butler: Like Sheila…I also had a bit of a speech impediment, and it was Ms. Vibra Toe that destroyed my dreams of someday becoming a professional singer. Vibra: But it was the MIME who destroyed the dream for me by stealing my voice-box! MIME: I’ve been trapped in a mime’s body all my life. I needed a break! Butler: And no one in their right mind would dare pass up the opportunity to take out a mime, so yes, I admit it, I took care of her, trapping her inside her own make-believe bubble. Dr: But what about your own sister? Or poor Annabel? Butler: My sister had always been jealous of my love towards Annabel. I don’t believe for an instant that Elsa ‘accidentally’ left that window open. She saw the opportunity to seek her own revenge and took it. Dr: But I still don’t understand why you said Annabel was your father’s greatest accomplishment. Was she your father’s daughter, too? Butler: In a way, but not like you’re thinking. She was a dream of his- a vision. He captured her on paper first- and then he brought her to LIFE. For you see, I am the only son of the late Edgar Allan Poe. Dr: (Coming to a realization) Eric Oscar Pratt. Your initials- EOP! POE spelled backwards! (Coming to another more horrific realization) Then that means…! (Butler removes wig and glasses) Butler: Yes, dear Doctor. That’s where you come in. After my father died, my mother left my sister and me alone to take care of ourselves in this wretched old mansion. But I kept an eye on my mother through the years- oh yes I did…and I know that for the last three years, you had not only been her personal physician, but you had been sleeping with her as well! THAT is why I seek revenge on you- for my father’s sake! Dr: (Grabbing his chest as the numbness escalates through his body) But you don’t understand! After your father passed away, your mother became a patient of mine! About a year later, we were married, but she just never had the heart to tell any of you!…Eric, I’m your father! Butler: (dumbfounded). Well, that changes everything, now doesn’t it? Um…sorry about the whole ‘Me-wanting-to-kill-you-part.’ Dr: Oh no, don’t mention it. No problem a’tall, son. (Slumps over dead) Butler: (Shakes head in disbelief). Ah well, you win some, you lose some. (Butler walks slightly down center stage. Sister Mary pulls out a gun from under her robe and aims it at the Butler.) Sister Mary: (Meeting the Butler downstage) Not so fast!! Butler: (Shocked) Bah! I don’t believe in ghosts! Sister Mary: Lucky for you, you don’t have to. The good Doctor and I set up a plan to make everyone believe I was dead. He gave me medicine to slow my heart-rate enough to make it appear that I was having a heart attack. Butler: But since when did you women of the cloth trade in your rosaries for .45’s? Sister Mary: (Pulls out Badge and ID) Lieutenant Mary Clarence, SAS-KGB-CIA-OBGYN. (Butler is puzzled) Sister Mary: (Blatantly) I’m a cop. Butler: Right. (Sudden realization)…Uh-oh. Sister Mary: The police department no doubt found that the carriage that was overturned in the ditch out there (points to outside door) was sabotaged into crashing with help, I’m sure from you and your sister. In that carriage was your real maid, the one your sister was pretending to be tonight at the dinner. In fact, it was the same woman who only a week ago delivered to the police department quite an odd package. It seemed that as she was cleaning the house one day, she stumbled across some plans of a ‘gathering’ you were throwing to ‘honor’ your father. As she read on, she caught wind of your twisted plan and notified us. I was sent here to investigate, but in the meantime, you found out she was already onto your plan, and so you sent her out on an errand…and to her death. The rest- as they say- is history. Butler: I did it out of respect for my father. (Sister Mary puts handcuffs on Butler and begins to usher him out the door) Sister Mary: Plotting revenge and murder will hardly bring respect to anyone Mr. Poe…but for you, it’ll bring a lifetime in prison. And just think- in about 50 years from now- mind you- your father, Edgar, will be hailed as one of the greatest poets of all time. Butler: (ashamed) Mind me. (Sister Mary escorts Butler back into the group for closing song.) Earl: A wise man once said that ‘Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.’ Anna: So for all of you who aren’t dead, may we remind you that you only live once. Enjoy it while you can. (All sing ‘Sing We and Chant It’) (Sister Mary escorts Butler out front of Oakroom doors;
others follow. Reception outside)
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