Michael D. Powers, author of Children with Autism, writes: "All parents experience some feelings of guilt, incompetence, frustration, and tension. All brothers and sisters are jealous, angry, and embarrassed many times over the course of their childhoods. From time to time, most grandparents disagree with their children about the best way to raise their grandchildren. And almost every married couple has occasional (and not so occasional) arguments. We wouldn't be human if we didn't experience these emotions...Having a child with autism does not change these basic facts of family life...If you allow your child's autism and her special needs to destroy your family or drive family members away, everyone loses. But the biggest loser by far will be your child with autism. Therefore, in setting your priorities, dividing your time, balancing everyone's needs, and deciding just how much you can take, never allow your child's needs to or your devotion to her to jeopardise your family life."

Confidence as a parent

For parents, it can be terrifying when faced with the unfamiliar behaviour and unique demands of a child with ASD. Even parents who have had other 'normal' children before can experience fear and self-doubt because they feel unprepared for this type of parenting. However, it is extremely important to believe in yourself as a parent.

For those who have had other children, it is useful to take a step back, and consider one's previous successes. Remember that you are a loving and capable parent. A child with autism may present a new challenge, but other parents haved attested that skills which helped in raising 'normal' children apply to children with ASD as well.

Another helpful method is to learn to recognise the multiple roles you play daily for your child - an educator, nurse, doctor, therapist, advocate as well as parent. Give yourself credit for the 'professional' roles you fill! (In fact, some parents of children with ASD have gone even further to take up these roles professionally, usually because of a lack of such experts in their town/ city.)

You can further help yourself by equipping yourself with knowledge of your child's disorder and joining a local parents' support group. As you learn about ASD and familiarise yourself with common problems and techniques to deal with them, your confidence as a parent will naturally grow.

Siblings

A child's autism will definitely affect the way s/he relates with his/ her siblings. In many ways, it can be a stressful yet rewarding, exasperating yet enriching experience.

Here are some of the things that children said (about their autistic brother or sister):

"He comes to me and he gives me a cuddle" (aged 10)

"I read books with him" (aged 11)

"I wish he could clear up his own mess" (aged 7)

"Sometimes in the car if he gets in a mood he sort of kicks me" (aged 9)

"She embarrasses me sometimes in front of my friends" (aged 11)

"With my brother you can't exactly have a normal conversation. He'd most likely repeat what you say" (aged 11)

"People at school don't understand about it" (aged 11)

"If he's in a crying mood or something it's hard" (aged 8)

"I think he's special" (aged 11)

- excerpted from "Children with Autism - a booklet for brothers and sisters" by Julie Davies

Older siblings of autistic children often feel very responsible for their little brother or sister, and will help their parents out with taking care of him/ her. However, they may also face some disappointment at not being able to teach their younger sibling to do things, tease them in fun, or just enjoy being admired by a younger brother or sister.

Commonly, a younger 'normal' sibling may feel as if he/ she is the older one. He/ she may feel the need to be especially responsible to take care of his/ her autistic sibling. At times, the younger child may enjoy 'being needed', yet at times, resent having to take up this grown-up role. When other kids tease their sibling, they may choose to stand up for their special sibling, then again, they may not.

Teenagers feel the strong need to 'fit in' with the crowd. When 'normal' siblings hit adolescence, they become conscious of even minute differences between themselves and their peers. As a result, they may become embarrassed by their special sibling. Although they still love their sibling, they may be torn by the desire for freedom and urge to conform with the crowd. As such, they may come to resent all responsibilities placed on them, which can include responsibilities for their sibling with autism. Another concern would be their sibling's future, and its impact on their own, such as whether they would have to support their sibling financially in the future.

Child psychologists at the University of North Carolina, Rune Simeonsson and Donald Bailey, Jr., suggest these three methods to help siblings of children with challenges deal with their feelings:

1. Help your other children recognise and accept that their sibling's development is, and will be, uneven. Despite growing tall and strong, s/he may still be unable to communicate like others her age.

2. Help your children resolve any personal comparisons they are making with their sibling who has autism, and help them see and accept differences between all of the children in the family.

3. Help your children recognise their competence with their sibling with autism. When siblings recognise that they are not controlled by the whims of someone they may not understand, and further understand that they can make a positive difference in their brother's or sister's life, then their real and perceived sense of competence is enhanced.

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