Roommates

Up
Bad Habits
Classroom Rules
College News
Comfort Zones
Exams
Laundry
Roommates
Safety on Campus
Stress Management
Time Management
Web Resources
Your 1st Year

So you've never lived with a roommate before? Well, we've devised a list of sure-fire ways to get along with even the most difficult roommate. Of course, you and your new roommate might get along just fine. College roommates often turn out to be the best of friends.

Even so, understanding how to live with someone outside of your immediate family is important to your sanity.

1) Make a Good First Impression

Be friendly and take some time to get to know your new roommate. A conversation over a cup of coffee is one of many ways to break the ice. If you are both new to the area, you might consider going to a local landmark or even the college’s opening football game together. Even if you don’t intend to be best friends with your roommate, being nice and getting to know them can make your year together infinitely nicer.

2) Say "NO"

Believe it or not, "No" is probably the most powerful word in the English language. And knowing how to say "No" is certainly one of the best ways of preventing conflict before it happens. If you genuinely would prefer to keep your hairdryer or stereo to yourself, then say so.

NOTE: It is always helpful to explain in concrete terms why you are saying “no.” For example: “No, please do not borrow my CDs. Music is very important to me and I have lost too many CDs in the past when I have lent them to friends. I am living on a student’s budget right now and will not be able to replace lost music.”

3) Be Tolerant

There's no law that says you have agree with your roommate's beliefs, choice of lifestyle or likes and dislikes. But a tolerant attitude allows you to respectfully disagree with one another without making a judgment call about that person. Remember, it is entirely possible that they disagree with one of your values too. Ideally you can learn and grow by understanding the point of view of another person.

4) Ask, Ask Again, Demand

Ask
Asking someone to do something politely is the best policy. You can assert your own needs while respecting the attitude of your roommate. “Please ask your friends to call before midnight and not after.”

Ask again
If that doesn't work, try a slightly more formal approach and ask again politely. Arrange a time to discuss the specific issue that is bothering you. Maybe you could ask your roommate to eat dinner together. Be sure to tell your roommate that you would like to discuss something important. At your meeting, politely explain to your roommate that for very specific reasons, you would appreciate it if they would refrain from doing whatever it is that is bothering you. For example: “I understand that your friends are calling you late at night about homework and other important manners. However, I have early morning classes every day and need to go to sleep early. Would you please explain my situation to your friends and arrange for them to call earlier in the evening?”

Demand
The last resort is to make a demand. Demands should be used rarely and only when absolutely necessary. You might say for example, “Do not allow your roommates to call after 11 p.m. I will not tolerate these phone calls anymore.”

5) Always Be Courteous and Considerate

Now is the time to remember everything your mother ever taught you. Treat your roommate with same respect and consideration you expect. Saying '"thank you" and "please" will keep your household running smoothly. Also remember to keep the music down when your roommate is studying or sleeping, to make sure common areas are clean, and to ask before you borrow something that doesn't belong to you.

6) Decide When and When Not to Confront Your Roommate

Avoiding confrontation usually means avoiding a problem that will need to be resolved sooner or later. Think of confrontation as the first step to resolution, and as such, the first step to reestablishing a harmonious household. But sometimes confrontation fails, especially when the timing is wrong. Avoid confrontation when your roommate is running out the door, yelling at you or about to go to bed. Judge what time is best to approach your roommate or ask to schedule a time that is convenient for both of you to sit down and talk.

7) Your Roommate Doesn't Have to Be Your Best Friend

Understand that living with a roommate doesn't automatically make that person your best friend. In fact, you may not even consider your roommate a friend at all. On the other hand, you might turn out to be great friends. The most important thing to understand is that the person you live with should be a good roommate, nothing more nothing less.

8) Maintain Open Lines of Communication

Talk with your roommate about household issues as they come up, and let your roommate know he or she can talk to you about household matters as well.

9) Disagreements Are Normal

Realize that disagreements are an ordinary part of life that help clear the air. Bringing opposing viewpoints to the foreground often fosters cooperation and creativity. It's only when disagreements cause perpetual discord that serious conflict arises. Work at achieving a compromise as a way to avoid or end conflict.

10) Try to Understand Your Roommate's Point-of View

Put yourself in the other guy's shoes. If you still can't seem to see things from your roommate's perspective, you're free to disagree. But at least you made an honest effort to understand where your roommate is coming from, which, in itself, may provide the insight you need to understand why your roommate holds certain beliefs even though you disagree with them.

11) Identify Behavior That Upsets You

Zero in on what upsets you about your roommate. Remember, no one is perfect and we all have pet-peeves. But recurrent behavior that really gets under your skin will definitely promote resentment. Talk with your roommate about problem behavior. It is important for you to understand the root of your frustration. Roommates will often pick on each other for a lot of little things that all stem from one main problem. If you can solve the main problem then you are probably solving all of the little things that add up and cause real anger.

12) If You Are Wrong, Admit It

No one likes a person who can't admit when they make a mistake. So admit when you're wrong, and by doing so you'll encourage your roommate to do the same.

13) Apologize

Nothing can restore a relationship more than a sincere apology. If you owe your roommate an apology, give it.

14) Forgive and Forget

Don't be vindictive. If you're roommate has apologized to you, forgive and forget. But beware of empty apologies. Some people don’t know how to get rid of anger. Even if they want to forgive, they still harbor feelings of ill will toward the other person. However, it is possible to snap your self out of feeling resentment. Concentrate on the traits you like about your roommate or go off by yourself and do something you really enjoy. You might be amazed at how your anger disappears.

15) Avoid Yelling Matches

Although disagreements are a normal, healthy part of life, yelling and arguing get you nowhere fast. Talk in a controlled, level tone. There's no need to yell. If your anger is uncontrollable, table the discussion until you are both have an even temperament.

16) Use I-Statements

Use I-statements to communicate effectively with your roommate. I-statements clearly outline the points you want to express and allow your roommate to respond to those specific pontes. For example: "I think it was unfair of you to neglect taking out the garbage. I feel you should always take out the garbage when it's your turn. I will have to move out if you persist in shirking your responsibilities."

Using “I” makes your statements less accusatory and more powerful.

17) Respect Your Roommate's Opinions

If ever it seems that you and your roommate can not compromise. Examine the root of your argument. Do you disagree over fact of opinion? You may disagree with your roommate's opinion, but that doesn't make you right. Opinions, by their very nature, are incapable of being judged right or wrong. So show respect for the opinions of others and agree to disagree.

18) Have A Positive Attitude Instead of A Negative One

What's worse than hanging around someone who is always critical, pessimistic and cynical? Not much. If you want your roommate to dislike you, giving off negative vibes is your best bet.

19) Be a Good Listener

Listen to your roommate when he or she talks to you. If your roommate feels something is important enough to talk about, you can be sure they feel it's something important enough to be heard. However, the key to being a good listener entails more than just hearing the words your roommates says. A good listener understands the point of view of the other person. Tips for good listening include:

• Paraphrasing what the speaker says. For example: “Are you saying that my taste in music causes you problems with your homework?”
• Asking questions to understand the real reasons a person feels a certain way. For example, “Are you angry because I didn’t invite you to the game or because you did poorly on the exam you studied for that night?”

Courtesy of: Embark.com