ETIQUETTE FROM
ETIQUETTE FROM
THE PAST
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"It is the practice with certain' people to sneer at the word "etiquette," and to claim
that it merely means a foolish pandering to frivolous customs which in themselves have
no meaning or use. This is a misapprehension which a little thoughtful consideration
will remove. Certain rules smooth away the asperities and roughness which would prevail
among so many persons of varying tastes and ideas..."
In other words, get with the program!
"To understand and cultivate the tenets laid down by good society, is not to assume
airs, or does not prevent the recognition of the "rough diamond" that sometimes shines
out from among those whose early advantages have not been many. Rather it adds a higher
polish to that gem, and gives it a higher luster..."
Shine, baby, shine!
"We are all susceptible to the charm of good manners. Indeed, society could not be
maintained save for the usages of etiquette. ..."
Oh, give me a guy who still opens the door for you!
"But true etiquette must spring from a sincere desire to make every one around us feel
at ease; a determination to exercise a thoughtful regard for the feelings of others.
.."
So, in other words, you probably should like people before you start hangin' with
them.
"...Etiquette throws a protection around the well-bred, keeping the coarse and
disagreeable at a distance, and punishing those who violate her dictates, with
banishment from the social circle..."
The 90's high school life has just been summed up in one sentence.
"Many well-bred
people neglect laying down any rules for the guidance of their children, thinking
possibly that when they are older, they will naturally acquire that ease of manner
which is essential to success in the world. Parents ...owe it to their children and to
society, to instruct them how to be gentle, courteous, and above all,
self-denying....Teach them to respect each other's rights , to enjoy their merry romp
and innocent fun without hurting each other's feelings, or playing upon some weakness.
Games and romps should be encouraged at home; but let the stronger children guard the
weaker, nor forget that even fun may become rough and wearisome...."
Romp anyone? High school students probably don't like their social gatherings called
"romping" or "romps" these days.
"Teach your children so that they will shrink from contact with the coarse and impure,
and will not choose their companions for the money their parents possess, but for their
true worth and agreeable manners...."
Girls don't date a guy for his cash or his ride! We're not that bad! We date him for
his looks of course!
"ECONOMY NECESSARY. In money matters the wife should be economical and careful. Often
women incur bills without the husband's knowledge. Such a course is disastrous to a man
who is struggling to attain a position in the world. On the other hand, many men make
the mistake of concealing their financial condition from a wife. Some don't wish to
annoy her with their business worries, while others think their money-matters do not
concern her. Both views are wrong...."
As a man in the 90's, I wouldn't recommend keeping anything from your wife =) What is
that saying? There's my money and our money?
"To the wife we would say,ö Be as careful about your dress and appearance after
marriage as you were before. You cannot do otherwise without losing some portion of
your husband's regard, Be polite to the guest your husband brings home. If he surprises
you with a business acquaintance whom he has invited without notifying you, do not
appear disconcerted. Meet him with that graceful courtesy which warms the heart of a
stranger, and make no apology for your table. If it is set neatly, and the food is
cooked properly, you can make the guest forget the lack of profusion of rich viands by
the cordiality of your manner..."
If he brings someone home, he'd better be bringing a
bucket of chicken with him.
"HUSBANDS, BE POLITE. The husband should be as studiously polite when at home as when
in society. A chivalrous regard for a wife and a deference to her wishes and comfort,
is a sure indication of refinement, and will go far toward holding her love and
allegiance..."
If you find a man who follows that regimen, give me a holler.
"The tongue is a little member, but it should be jealously guarded. Harsh and cutting
things should not be said after marriage, any more than before. Coarse and unrefined
conversation can never be indulged in without a loss of respect which involves a loss
of influence and power."
And we all know mankind loves power.
"A father should never utter an immoral thought or a profane word in the home
circle..."
Hmmmm.
"A GOOD INHERITANCE. There is no better inheritance to leave children than the memory of
kind and gentle-mannered parents, whose influence for good will go with them through
life. And there is no better discipline, or one which will better prepare them for the
hard battles of life, than to teach them to yield their own wills to others, to
remember that they must respect the tastes and wishes of others, and that to make the
cares of this life endurable, they should be cheerfully obedient and
self-sacrificing...."
Darth Vader must have been a good guy for a while because Luke Skywalker is everything
just described and more.
"Cultivate courtesy. Be deferent to those who are your superiors in age and position.
Do not imitate the vices of men, imagining that it will make you a man also. Smoking
and chewing are deadly foes to the healthful growth. Do not use tobacco. Never touch
tobacco or liquors, if you desire to be a clean, manly man..."
You've come a long way baby. Cough, cough, cough. The one lung I have left is acting
up. Let me get my oxygen tank.
"Practice politeness ö make it the rule of your everyday life, at home, at school, or on
the playground. In play, be fair. Do not cheat. This may be a hard lesson to learn, but
it is one of the grandest, to understand that you must accord perfect justice to others
in your transactions with them. It will serve you well in after life.Do not rush into
the house like a whirlwind, forgetting to cleanse your feet upon the mat. Shut doors
quietly..."
These things still hold today. Don't cheat on tests and don't ruin mom's new ivory
carpet.
"Never present yourself at table, with soiled face and hands, or uncombed hair..."
Are you paying attention, ladeez and gentlemen?
"Have certain places for your clothes, your toys, tools, and books, and when you are
done using them, put them in their place. Cultivate this habit, and you will grow into
neat, orderly ladies and gentlemen, the pride of your mothers, and will be welcome in
every home which you visit..."
Everything I wanted to know I learned in kindergarten.
"No matter how humble your room may be, there are eight things it should contain,
namely: A mirror, washstand, soap, towel, comb, hair, nail and tooth brushes..."
And a stereo, and a hair dryer, and a tv, and a vcr. Don't forget the Nintendo.
"Make it a rule of your daily life to "dress up" for the afternoon..."
Dress up? That's a clean pair of jeans, right?
"It is very rude to ask direct questions, such as "Where are you going.'" "What have
you got in that package?" In fact, do not show curiosity about other people's
affairs.Do not look over another's shoulder, when they are reading, nor read their
letters, even if they are left carelessly lying around..."
Most teenagers can just pretend you didn't read that last paragraph.
"When your parents give you money, or you earn it for yourself, learn to spend it
judiciously. Keep your accounts accurately..."
Ha! Ha! Ha!
"Women do not know how great are their privileges. Abroad a lady would not find it safe
or proper to walk out alone. Here (in America) two or three ladies may, if they so
desire, attend places of amusement, ride in the cars, or promenade unaccompanied by a
gentleman..."
Not! Here in America, ladies may do whatever they want to man or not these days.
"It is understood, however, that very young girls are never seen anywhere without some
older person as an escort..."
Very young, better mean 6 or 7.
"A true lady always dresses simply and quietly when in street costume. She does not
adopt gay and showy colors and load herself down with jewelry, which is entirely out of
place, and conveys a very great anxiety to "show off."..."
Great, I have been followed.
"Quiet, subdued shades give an air of refinement, and never subject their wearer to
unfavorable criticisms..."
So basically most of the 90's fashions are out.
"A lady should always walk in an easy, unassuming ' manner, neither looking to the
right or to the left..."
Excuse me?
"A lady who desires a reputation for elegant manners does not giggle or whisper in a
meaning way on the cars or in theaters or lecture rooms. ...Neither do ladies commence
to laugh as soon as the door has closed upon a retiring guest. They may be laughing
about something entirely foreign to the present, but it is not in human nature to help
imagining the laugh is aimed at the one who has just left the circle, and they will
feel uncomfortable in consequence. ..."
Teehee.
"No lady ever fiirts on the street, or allows a stranger to make her acquaintance..."
Just how did these women ever MEET PEOPLE?
"She should never permit one of the opposite sex to address her in a slangy fashion,
touch her on the shoulder, call her by her first name before strangers. All such little
familiarities, ... will give others the impression that she is not held in the highest
esteem..."
NOT the SHOULDER! You might as well be banished!
"A lady may accept the assistance of a strange gentleman in getting on or off a car, or
in crossing a muddy or crowded street. Such attentions should be accepted in the spirit
in which they are offered, and acknowledged with thanks..."
A coat over the puddles would be nice.
"A gentleman never swaggers along the street, shouting and laughing with his
companions, his hat on one side, a cigar between his fingers, or switching a cane to
the danger or discomfort of passers-by..."
Never.
"If attending a lady in the evening, it is customary to offer her the arm. If he has
the care of two ladies, he should give his arm to but one, and they should both walk on
the same side of him..."
No guy I know would ever offer his arm to me, except maybe my dad. At my wedding of
course.
"A gentleman removes his hat when entering a room where there are ladies. When he meets
a lady friend, he should raise his hat gracefully, and if she is with another lady, he
should include her in the salutation even though he is unacquainted with her..."
I'd love to see this done today with those cute Nike caps.
"In passing through a door, the gentleman holds it open for the lady, even though he
never saw her before. He also precedes the lady in ascending stairs, and allows her to
precede him in descending..."
School would have some pretty interesting traffic jams in the hallways and lots of
tardy students.
"SWEET BREATHS. Both ladies and gentlemen will be very careful to keep their breaths
sweet and pure. We wish there were some law to prevent people from polluting their
breaths with onions and tobacco when they are going into a mixed company. No one has a
right to make himself in any manner offensive to others. All the laws of good breeding
forbid it..."
Nah. Just buy gum.
"ASSIST LADIES FROM A CARRIAGE. In assisting a lady to alight from a carriage, he
should step out first, and then turn and offer her both hands, particularly if the
vehicle be some distance from the ground..."
Not many carriages around where I live.
"... Lord Chesterfield, 'the most elegant gentleman in all Europe,' " is quoted as
saying "... 'Civility is particularly due to all women; and remember that no
provocation whatever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the
greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest
woman.. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the
superior strength of ours."
Say it like it is, Chesterfield!
"Entertaining PARTIES, BALLS, AND LIKE ENTERTAINMENTS... THE KETTLE-DRUM... TEAS... A
MUSICALE... THE PROGRAMMES... CROQUET, ETC... GENTLEMEN'S SUPPERS... THE INVITATION...
DANCING..."
When was the last time YOU played croquet?
"TRAVELING MANNERS. ...A lady who acts with propriety, can journey from one end of our
country to the other with safety. Women are held in high esteem, and are certain of
protection when they require it.It is always more desirable to have an escort when
traveling, for there are many little anxieties which he can assume, thus making a
lady's journey more enjoyable..."
Escort? AN ESCORT?
"The first office of such escort is to:
A lady should not concern herself with any of the details of her trip, when she has an escort. It is presumed that he knows more about traveling than she does..."
and along the way he refuses to admit he's lost and ask for directions.
."..Ladies should not have a myriad of packages for an escort to guard..."
Help is good to have around to: take out the garbage, warm up a cold car engine, and to
carry in the packages!
"TABLE MANNERS. NO surer gauge of the native refinement of any person can be, found
than the manners which they show at the table. It is incumbent upon parents to train
their children in those niceties of etiquette which will grow with their growth, and
make their progress through life far easier..."
Meals at my house come in a microwave tray and needs to be thawed first.
"POLITENESS TO ALL. The enjoyment of the family meal is greatly enhanced when each
member is polite and attentive to the others; when parents and children alike are
cheerful, agreeable and look after each other's comfort.... TALKing AT TABLE. The
children in a, household should be encouraged to talk, but not permitted to show off,
and say smart things..."
Wow! Dinner! Around a table! With everyone, together like? What a concept!
"POLITELY. Require them in asking for an article out of their reach to preface the
request with, 'Please pass me the salt,' and also to call the one whom they address by
his name, as 'Mr. Willis, will you please pass the salt?'..."
Hey! Burp! Throw me another roll.
"When they are invited to have more of an article, which they do not desire, they
should answer politely, "I do not wish any more, thank you." LOUD TALKING PROHIBITED.
Loud talking on their part should be prohibited, as also interrupting conversation.
They should not whisper, however, or glance around the table and giggle. WHEN CHILDREN
LEAVE THE TABLE. If children are compelled to leave the table before the rest of the
family, so as to reach school, they should rise quietly, ask to be excused and leave
the apartment so as not to disturb anyone. DO NOT LET THEM EAT GREEDILY. They should
not eat greedily, cramming their mouths full, nor smack their lips, tilt their chairs
back, or drop their knives carelessly on the table-cloth. The knife and fork should be
laid across the plate, with the handles to the right, when the meal is finished..."
In some countries, feeding your face followed by a loud burp is a compliment to the
chef. Sounds like home to me.
"GROWN PEOPLE AT FAULT. While children's manners are thus alluded to, we regret to say
that they are not the sole violators of goodbreeding. To any one who observes much, it
is astonishing that so many well-dressed people, who seem to know so much, are so
shockingly rude at the table..."
Mom, dad, are you listening?
"REFUSING AN ARTICLE OF FOOD. If a guest does not care for
a certain article on the table, or for some reason does not wish to partake of it, he
should not refuse it by stating that 'Cheese don't agree with me,' or 'I can't endure
tomatoes,' but simply say 'I do not care for any, thank you.' We well remember the
horror and disgust with which an apparently well-bred lady filled her listeners at the
table by declining a certain dish with the assertion that 'It took too long to digest,
and her doctor had forbidden it.'..."
Fresh fruit give me gaa...oh, I'm sorry, I don't care for any, thank you.
"RUDENESS AT TABLE. There are many little rudenesses which can be avoided at the table,
and which a little thought would instinctively pronounce offensive. Among these are
coughing or breathing into your neighbor's face. .."
What about combing your hair? Oh and remove that hat, please! (Thank you!)
"Fidgeting in your seat, or moving about restlessly; drumming upon the table with your
fingers; whispering confidentially with your neighbor; emphasizing your remarks by
flourishing your fork, to the risk of your neighbor's eyes; leaning the elbows upon the
table; standing up and reaching across the table in place of requesting that what you
want be passed you. All these acts of ill-breeding or thoughtlessness we have seen
perpetrated by those who should know better..."
About the elbows thing--guilty as charged!
"MANNERS AT TABLE. Sit upright at the table without bending over or lowering your head
to partake of your food. Do not sit either too far away or too near the table. Keep
your mouth closed as much as possible while you are masticating your food..."
That's what really ticks me off. Masticating!
"THINGS TO AVOID. Do not talk loudly or boisterously., but be cheerful and
companionable, not monopolizing the conversation, but joining in it.Bones and fragments
should be deposited on the edge of your plate, so as not to soil the table-cloth..."
Thank you! I never know what to do with those! What about the foil from your baked
potato?
"It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table after a meal is completed.
Napkins are to wipe the mouth with, not to mop the forehead or nose. Never put your own
knife, fork or spoon into a dish from which others are to be helped..."
Sick!
"DRESS FOR THE OCCASION. The table being a meeting place where everything should be
nice and conducive to good manners, a gentleman will never appear at it in his shirt
sleeves. If it is excessively warm weather, and he wishes to enjoy the freedom of his
own home table, he can don a light coat of seersucker, farmer's satin, or similar
material; but in public he will always retain the coat which he wears through the day,
save of course, on dress occasions, of which we have spoken elsewhere.A lady should
observe the same care in her dress. Untidy hair and dirty nails are especially
repellant..."
Speaking of repellant...
"CHOOSING COMPANIONS....The friends young people should select, should have moral
worth, rather than position in society. Their courteous conduct toward others, is of
the greatest consequence......."
Amen!
"...Courtesy must spring from an unselfish desire to do right. There is a beautiful
myth floating on the topmost wave of the pretty fancies with which the world is
blessed, which reads thus: .."
This is the three keys story that we like so well.
"...Two children, a sturdy boy and a gentle girl, are wandering in playful idleness
through an old garden, overgrown with weeds and rank grass. The boy finds a bunch of
keys the talismanic number, three, and of a curious old pattern, rusted and worn. They
look with indifference upon the keys, but having few toys, they keep them. Days pass by
the keys are forgotten, till one day they find an old door set in a wall, over which
the weeping-willow hangs, hiding the framework with its heavy foliage, as if weary of
its trust, and anxious to give it up. The boy and girl, still playmates, search
patiently for a way to open the door; and at last, finding the keyhole thick with
cobwebs, they tear them eagerly away, and push the key into the lock. The door creaks
slowly, their strength is scarcely sufficient to force it to turn on its rusty hinges,
but they persevere, and at last they step through, into a land so fair, a scene so
lovely, that they hold their very breaths with delight.The door in the neglected garden
is the crust of selfishess which has over grown the hearts of the old and sorrow-weary.
The keys are the rusty and unused ones of love, patience and truth.
----Love that seeks
the good of all;
----patience, that "overcometh evil," and tenderly, earnestly, strives
to do all the work set before it;
----truth, that speaks no ill, keeps the tongue
clean, the heart single.
To these three keys it is given to unlock the sealed mysteries and beauties of the heart which the world has buried 'neath its rubbish.
This habit of being courteous cannot be learned by arbitrary rules, but must be the outgrowth of home practice. To one who is agreeable, civil, kind, it will be very easy to be so elsewhere. A coarse, rough manner at home begets a kindred roughness which cannot be laid off, when among strangers. Home is the school for all things good, especially' for good manners."
Go Back to the Past Etiquette Main Page
Written by Lisa C. McCormick
Special Thanks to Mrs. Toni Scusa and Mrs. Iris
Kennedy
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