Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
----------------
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What`s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don`t shake it.
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
'Twas the night before 2000 and all through the tower, applications were failing, more by the hour.
The programs were running on the mainframe with care, in hope that the millennium bug was not there.
The programmers were seated in front of their PC's, while visions of blank paychecks danced in their heads.
With Amy in her office and I at my desk, we had just settled down for a night with no rest.
When up on my screen there arose such a ding, I sprang from my chair screaming .. "I didn't touch a thing!"
Away from my computer I ran real quick, tore open the drawer and picked up a stick.
I glared at the PC, evil and mean, then realized ... it's just a machine.
What to my wondering eyes should I see, but a miniature window, and a message for me.
With tired eyes, I gave a glance, only hours left .. we don't have a chance!
More rapid than eagles the languages fell, and we whistled, and shouted, and called with a yell; "Now COBOL! now, NATURAL, Batch and On-Line! Oh, FORTRAN! Oh SAS! Now CHORE went flat-line!
From the front of my face, to the face of the wall, now bash away! bash away! bash away all!
As the team gathered together for one last try, the word from management came... "Fix it or die!"
So they sat in their chairs, in the up-right position, with a desk full of work, and a nasty disposition!
And then, in a dinging, I heard the speaker mention, "Attention, the building, Attention."
As he tried to speak the next word, the crashing of the mainframe is all we heard.
The programs were a mess, from start to end. My screen was tarnished with an ugly abend.
The team assembled, into one huge pack, we looked like hungry wolves, ready to attack.
Our eyes - how they twinkled! Our fingers typed with a clank. Fix Payroll we said, because our paychecks are blank!
The sweat on my face was falling like rain, while the coding of COBOL drove me insane!
The stump of a pencil I held tight in my hand, I chewed nervously, hoping I would not get canned!
I coded some Windows and a Bridge too, that took a program from version one to two.
I was tired, weak, and in a delusion state, and I laughed when I saw it, in spite of fate.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon let me know that bug was not dead!
It spoke not a word, but went straight to work, crashing the remaining programs, then turned with a jerk.
I placed the cursor next to the bug, pressed the delete key to remove the little thug.
But I heard it exclaim, as I erased the line.....
"Happy Millennium for now, 'cause I'll return in 9999!"
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)
(click the play button for the music to play while you sing)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to @#%&,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
There are now three things in life that you can't avoid:
Death, taxes, and the Year 2000.
An executive is vacationing on the beach. A bottle washes up. He picks it up and uncorks it. A genie oozes out and says, "Look. It's been a tough week and I'm all tuckered out. I can only grant you one wish."
The exec thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted a bridge from California to Hawaii."
Genie says, "Gimme a break. No can do a bridge. Try again."
The exec says, "OK. Tell me everything I need to know to keep my business from failing in the Year 2000."
Genie sighs and says, "Alright. Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"