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While
in death row...
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Why
do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
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Here's
a Corny One!
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A girl
calls her boyfriend up, 'please, you have to help me , I'm doing a jig
saw puzzle and I can't get any of the pieces together.' He asks her what
the puzzle is of. She answers, 'its of a big rooster and I can't get any
of it together, I can't find any of the edge pieces, nothing fits together,
Please come over and help me.' He says he'll be right over. When he arrives
she points him to the kitchen and explains that the puzzle is all over
the kitchen table. He enters the kitchen and exclaims 'Oh for goodness
sake, put the corn flakes back in the box!'
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Cough,
Cough, Gag!
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Sooner
or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?
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And
they call it Research
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Why
do scientists call it research when they're looking for something new
that's never been searched?
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Practice
makes perfect?
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Isn't
it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Scotty,
more power!
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Why
do they report power outages on TV?
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A
bad sign
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When
sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
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Get
me that Thesaurus!
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Is
there another word for synonym?
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What
a relief!
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Using
Laughter for healing is like changing a baby's diaper: it's a temporary
relief!
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Hide
& Seek
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If
someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically
lose because he can't find himself?
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A
greasy problem
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If
vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
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Beware
of what you know...
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It
is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found
out.
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Vroooom!
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There
are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
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Is
life an STD?
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Life
is sexually transmitted.
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But
I don't want to die!
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Everybody
wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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When
I fall in love...
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Falling
in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
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Oops!
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No
job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
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Forever
Young
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You
can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Common
Elements
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The
two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
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Old
Friends
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The
best antiques are old friends.
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We
All Die
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People
who eat natural foods die from natural causes
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Seniors
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If
only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
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Enemies
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Friends
may come and go, but enemies accumulate
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Make
it Simple
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Everything
should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
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Nostalgia
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Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be.
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"Where's
My Papers"
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Important
papers will demonstrate their importance by moving to where you can't
find them.
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Warning!
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It
may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
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Right
the First Time
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The
trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates
how difficult it was.
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Cancer
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It
has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
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Driver's
Licenses
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What
hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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Responsibilities
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I
assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
else's fault.
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Packaging
Complaints
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Why
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
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Call
Waiting?
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Why
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
first place ?
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It
takes a genius!
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Only
adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
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English
is a Crazy Language!
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Did you know that "verb" is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? What is another word for "thesaurus"? Where do swear words come from? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why do people use the word "irregardless"? Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?" Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"? Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault, the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going. |