Thought Provoking Jokes

While in death row...

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Here's a Corny One!

A girl calls her boyfriend up, 'please, you have to help me , I'm doing a jig saw puzzle and I can't get any of the pieces together.' He asks her what the puzzle is of. She answers, 'its of a big rooster and I can't get any of it together, I can't find any of the edge pieces, nothing fits together, Please come over and help me.' He says he'll be right over. When he arrives she points him to the kitchen and explains that the puzzle is all over the kitchen table. He enters the kitchen and exclaims 'Oh for goodness sake, put the corn flakes back in the box!'

Cough, Cough, Gag!

Sooner or later, doesn't everyone stop smoking?

And they call it Research

Why do scientists call it research when they're looking for something new that's never been searched?

Practice makes perfect?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Scotty, more power!

Why do they report power outages on TV?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

Get me that Thesaurus!

Is there another word for synonym?

Using Laughter for healing is like changing a baby's diaper: it's a temporary relief!

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

A greasy problem

If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

Beware of what you know...

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

But I don't want to die!

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

When I fall in love...

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The best antiques are old friends.

People who eat natural foods die from natural causes

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

"Where's My Papers"

Important papers will demonstrate their importance by moving to where you can't find them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Right the First Time

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Driver's Licenses

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Responsibilities

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

Packaging Complaints

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place ?

It takes a genius!

Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

English is a Crazy Language!

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese... One blouse, 2 blice?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" be the same, while a "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while "quite a lot" and "quite a few" are alike? How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?

Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It's not my fault, the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's coming or going.

A bad sign
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

What a relief!
Using Laughter for healing is like changing a baby's diaper: it's a temporary relief!

Hide & Seek
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

Vroooom!
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Forever Young
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Common Elements
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

We All Die
People who eat natural foods die from natural causes

Seniors
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Make it Simple
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Warning!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Cancer
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Call Waiting?
Why do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place ?