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Funny
Labels
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In
case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On
Sears hairdryer: On
a bag of Fritos: On
a bar of Dial soap: On
some Swann frozen dinners: On
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: On
Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: On
packaging for a Rowenta iron: On
Boot's Children's cough medicine: On
Nytol sleep aid: On
a Korean kitchen knife: On
a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: On
a Japanese food processor: On
Sainsbury's peanuts: On
an American Airlines packet of nuts: On
a childs superman costume: |
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Bumper
Stickers!
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I've
taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs! Editing is a rewording activity. My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool! I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. My reality check just bounced. What if there were no hypothetical questions? No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Help
wanted telepathy: you know where to apply Always
remember you're unique, just like everyone else. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere! Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner. Anything free is worth what you pay for it Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Hard
work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Lottery:
A tax on people who are bad at math. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I doubt, therefore I might be. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? |
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Some
English signs seen on Non-English Speaking Countries:
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In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for the purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ? Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no icecream. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Japanese Hotel Room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig Elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade Hotel Elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In the Lobby of a Moscow Hotel Across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the Menu of a Polish Hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup" with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. |
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Classified
Ads
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Amana
washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Star Wars job of
the hut -- $15 Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. like new. slight urine smell. Nordic track $300 hardly used call chubbie Shakespeare's pizza free chopsticks Nice parachute never opened used once slightly stained Actual ad in the
NY Times (fact or fiction :o) FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything. |
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In
the News
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Lawyer Says Client
Is Not That Guilty. Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Gas Cloud Clears
Out Taco Bell. Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Georgia Peaches California Grown 89 Cents lb. The Boston Globe
ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal. The
headline was "Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?" Legislator Wants
Tougher Death Penalty Man Jumps off 2nd
Street Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found After Detour To California Shuttle Returns To Earth Man Found Dead In
Cemetery Gunfire In Sarajevo Threatens Cease-fire War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Properly Drafted
Will Reduces Anxiety
After Death Study Reveals Those
Without Insurance Die More Often Experts Increase Probability Of Big Quake in California Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in HalfFried
Chicken Cooked In Microwave Wins Trip Woman Improving After Fatal Crash Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Red Tape Holds Up
New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000
Chef Throws His
Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is
Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds
Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents
Can Drop Off Trees New Vaccine May
Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives
Hearing Deaf College Opens
Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces
Time Prosecutor Releases
Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars
are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window
Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors Marijuana Issue
Sent To A Joint Committee Publicize your business
absolutely free! Send $6. Gators To Face Seminoles
With Peters Out Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming |
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Signs
of the Times: These are actual signs from England
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Sign in a laundromat: Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out! Sign in a London department store: Bargain basement upstairs In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. In an office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining. Board on a church door: This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.) Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the prince of Wales: The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch: If not back by five, out for dinner also. Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Sign warning of quicksand: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the district council. Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order. Notice in a dry cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is. Notice in health food shop window: Closed due to illness. Spotted in a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car. Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. Sign on a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work). Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below. Sign in Egyptian hotel: If you require room service, please open door and shout, "room service!" |
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