School Jokes

My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

Five minutes left in the exam, and the proctor calls out, "Finish up, people."

Everyone starts writing conclusions, one guy keeps writing.

The proctor calls out, "Time's up. All papers in."

Everyone who hasn't finished brings up their papers. One guy just keeps writing.

The proctor sees him, says, "I said 'Time's up.' Get your paper in now, or I'll have to disqualify your exam."

The guy keeps writing. The proctor gathers all the exams into a big pile, looks at the guy writing, says, "That's it, then. Your exam is disqualified."

The guy finishes up, checks the paper, carries it up to the front.

The proctor shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I told you -- I won't accept your exam."

The guy looks indignant, stares at the proctor, says "Do you realize who I am?"

The proctor looks surprised, then annoyed, and says, "I don't know, and I don't care."

The guy says, "I didn't think so," stuffs his paper into the very middle of the huge stack of exams, and runs out of the room.

Religious Experience

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."

"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. He tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

Say it! Don't Spray it!

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

Twas the night before finals...

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.

His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He started to bellow:

"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

College Seniors vs. Freshmens...

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.

Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...

Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm.

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night.
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night.

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of Profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer.

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities,the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room.

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class.
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.

Chemistry Professors

Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!

A student reported for her University final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took out her purse, removed a coin, and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she had completed the exam while the rest of the class was feverishly continuing to work. During the last few minutes, she desperately began throwing the coin, swearing, and sweating. The instructor, alarmed, approached her and asked if there was a problem. "I finished the exam in half an hour," she replied, "Now, I am rechecking my answers."

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and exclaimed, "This is great! And where will I meet this beautiful young girl?"

"In her biology class," replied the psychic.

Homework woes
My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

THUD!
"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

Sleepy Head!
"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I felt all term."

HUh?!
"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. He tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

Psychic Hotline
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and exclaimed, "This is great! And where will I meet this beautiful young girl?" "In her biology class," replied the psychic.