Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A neutron goes into a store and asks the grocer, "How much for a coke?"

The grocer replies, "For you, no charge."

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere he went, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he almost always had very bad breath.

Therefore: He came to be known as a Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

A movie producer was going to do a docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Scwarzenegger. He offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.

"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me."

The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"

There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

Quasimodo, the infamous Hunchback of Notre Dame, was getting tired of the same old routine. Day in and day out he'd ring the bell, and, frankly it was getting old. He decided he needed a little time off. So he put a sign outside the cathedral: "Bell ringer wanted, two weeks temporary work, good pay". He didn't really expect much of a response.

The next morning there's a knock on the door and he goes down to get it. He opens the door to find a hunchback who looks remarkably like himself. He invites him in and they chat for a while. Quasimodo is excited, this looks like a perfect match. He decides to begin the training.

The go up to the bell tower, and Quasimodo explains that the rope rotted off the bell some time ago, so he just uses his head. He shows him how it's done, smacking his head firmly into the bell. A beautiful, loud, clear ring is heard.

The apprentice gives it a try, but all that results is a dead thud. "Try with less face, more forehead", Quasi encourages. The apprentice tries again, just a little better. "How about getting a little run at it", Quasi instructs. The apprentice takes a short run and gets just a bit of a ring mixed in with the thud. "Take a good run at it". The apprentice backs up, runs hard at the bell, but misses, runs out the window and falls crashing to the pavement several stories down, dead as a stone.

Soon a crowd gathers below. Milling around, they're wondering who it is.

"Hmm", says one, "face doesn't ring a bell".

"Oh sure", says another, "that's a dead ringer for Quasimodo".

A woman has twins. Unfortunately due to her financial situation, she gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife, They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

If we don't conserve water we could go from one ex-stream to another.

Once upon a time when potatoes ruled the earth, there was a King Potato and a Queen Potato. The King and the Queen had a daughter who was of marrying age, and naturally they expected her to marry another potato of royal status.

But, the beautiful young spud told her parents that she would not marry a royal potato. Instead, she told the King and Queen, she was in love with Tom Brokaw and would marry him.

"Tom Brokaw!" thundered the king. "How can you even consider marrying Tom Brokaw! He's nothing but a COMMENTATOR!"

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar.

They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life!

They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking.

Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end.

Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.

So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.

Bill Gates took advantage of his Windows of opportunity.

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to fall down.

The moral of the story is: People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A dentist named Phil McCavity always quit work at tooth-hurtie.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Did you hear about the very old lady named Anne Teak?