A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Safe sex

Airline food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Soft rock

Butt head

Military intelligence

Software documentation

New classic

Childproof

"Now, then ..."

Synthetic natural gas

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

Microsoft Works

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, why not?!," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real pain when you're drunk."

Adam and Eve are trapping around the Garden of Eden kaalgat. Eve checks this lekker apple and she skiems nooit hey, I'm gonna graze it. Just then a moerse voice from above charfes her "Leave the apple, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the earth!" So, she losses the apple.

A bit later Adam is trapping along when he gooi's a sharp right and finds this apple, "Bliksem" he skiems "A'hm gonna chow this thing" Just then a moerse voice from above chirps him "Leave the apple, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the earth!" "Ag nooit hey" he reckons "I'm stukkend hungry" and he grazes it. That night he and Eve are in bed when he hears a knock at the door. He pluks open the front door to hear " Eh, sorry baaas, Em looking fo' de job......"

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. Around 3am they are woken by the sound of someone knocking on their front door downstairs.

The guy gets up, goes to the window and opens it, only to look out to pitch blackness. "Who's out there," he yells.

A voice from below calls out, "I need a push".

Afraid, the guy says, "Get lost before I call the cops! It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" and slams the window.

His wife rolls over and says, "Listen, remember when our kids got stuck in their car late one night, and that couple helped them to get it started again? Wouldn't you want to do the same for someone else, regardless of the time?"

The guy thinks about this for a while and heads downstairs to lend the man a hand. He opens the front door, again to pitch blackness, and yells out, "Hey! Do you still need a push? Where are you?"

"Yes, I do," says the voice from the darkness. "I'm over here on the swing."

A guy is on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups.

The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?"

The guy says, "(hic) Yeah...(hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you dlink?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were *four* little pigs..."

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?" The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party. "John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?"

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did." "Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea?"

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

St.Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?",
St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." .
The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." ,
St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" ,
The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..."
St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!"
A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
Obviously not after much thought, God replies
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

A small girl walked into a big school. It was her first day there, and she was a little afraid. The day went fine though, and as she walked out of the school grounds, a boy in her class told her that if she climbed up a telegraph pole, he'd give her $1. She did so, collected her money, and went home.
She told her Mother about it, to which she replied: 'That boy is only trying to see your underwear, don't do it again.'
The next day, she met the boy again, and he said that he would give her $2 this time. She did so, even after her mother's warnings, and went home.
She told her Mother about it, to which she replied: 'That boy is only trying to see your underwear, don't do it again.'
The next day, the girl did the same thing, but this time for $3.
When she got home, her Mother asked her: 'I hope you didn't climb up that pole again, that boy is only trying to look at your underwear.'
The little girl answered: 'But this time, I tricked him. I didn't wear any underwear.'

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets!" "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the 3rd man who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again: "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven... "I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven..."

Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a Hippie are flying across the country. Suddenly the pilot rushes into the cabin screaming, "We are losing power and are going to crash. There are 4 parachutes, and I am wearing one." With that he jumps out of the plane. Without a moment of hesitation Michael Jordan jumps up and says, "I am one of the world's greatest athletes, and not one is going to catch me." With that he grabs the second parachute and jumps out of the plane. Bill Gates then says, "I am the world's smartest man, and the world needs me." He grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The Dali Lama turns to the Hippie and says, "Son, I have lived a long and fruitful life. Please, take the final parachute and jump to safety." The Hippie wearing a sly grin replies, "Don't worry, we can both be saved. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack!"

A man enters a fancy restaurant, but the head waiter refuses to seat him without a tie. Undaunted, the man retreats to his car to search for a tie. To his dismay he cannot find a tie or even anything that might resemble a tie. Finally, in desperation he grabs a pair of jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, and ties them under his shirt collar in some semblance of a tie. He returns to the restaurant where the head waiter stares at him for some time, and finally says: "OK, I will seat you, just don't start anything!"

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."