A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl and it's empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For crying out loud, how many times do we have to go through this?! I haven't made the porridge yet!"

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.
The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.
Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."
"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.
The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.
The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.
"I'll take him," he says.
When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."
"Karate," she yells. "Karate my bottom!"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

One day, a farmer on vacation got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog. Days went by and after a while, he was starting to dream about women. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him. The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown. He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach. Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, "You saved my life! How can I pay you back?" He replied quickly, "Here, hold my dog for a moment!"

A donkey had an IQ of 186, and yet he had no friends.
Apparently even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-.

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.

A cockroach can live for several weeks without its head

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Cats urine glows under a black light.

All porcupines float in water.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. That is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans. So much that they could be confused at a crime scene.