Humor for Everyone
Return to Wing It
The 32 Greatest Lies in Aviation
I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have
failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000
hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well
respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in
that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual
instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
We'll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent
training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything
be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
I've got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
Ground Controller: Cessna calling ground control. Are you a Skymaster?
Pilot's reply: No Sir. I'm just a student pilot.
--Philip Bridges
There was a Captain at HP who was listed as the one pilot on almost every
first officers monthly bid that they would not fly with. The chief pilot
called him onto the carpet and informed him of this. He told him: "There
are only two First Officers who didn't avoidance bid you. When they're
gone, So are you!"
Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991 (The article is
accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we
have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large
bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)
Perils of Road Testing No. 23
Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed
road kill ever recorded during Motorcyclist testing. In fact, due to the
size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was
required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA,
the National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the
official FAA report.
"During a routine evaluation session at Motorcyclist's desert test complex,
staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst
quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under
Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road
surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently
distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard
failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the
early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst
(traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was
imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing
root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird's
flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately
after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of
his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy-absorbing liner,
indicating the severity of the impact."
Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing
power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of
substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down
attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not
transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.
"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"x
Pilot Rules
The PILOT always make THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No CO-PILOT can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the PILOT suspects the CO-PILOT knows all THE RULES, he must
immediately change some or
all THE RULES.
The PILOT is never wrong.
If the PILOT is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct
result of something the
CO-PILOT did or said wrong.
The CO-PILOT must apologize immediately for causing such misunderstanding.
The PILOT may change his mind at any time.
The CO-PILOT must never change his mind without the express written consent
of the PILOT.
The PILOT has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The CO-PILOT must remain calm at all times unless the PILOT wants him to
be angry and/or
upset.
The CO-PILOT is expected to mind read at all times.
The PILOT is ready when he is ready.
The CO-PILOT must be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in Bodily harm.
The CO-PILOT who doesn't abide by THE RULES is grounded.
--Wellemans Thierry
Here's one for all the freight pilots.
You might be a freight dog if:
1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
2. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
3. ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't
care.
4. When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly
take it back when they
recognize you.
5. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where
You are on the airport.
6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
8. Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
9. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on
"making a meal of it".
10. Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
11. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
12. Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
13. Your D/O mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the
holiday season.
14. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
15. You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
16. You mark every ramp with engine oil.
17. Everything you own is in you flight bag and suitcase.
-- David Sipe
Seen FLIEGERMAGAZIN, Germany:
Radar: FranceAir 1234, Confirm are you an airbus 320 or 340
Pilot: 340, of course
Radar: In this case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and
giving me 1000
ft/min or more?
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the
approach, contact tower at
the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he
says, "Watch me kill
this fool."
Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"
-- Frank Ledgerwood
Flare when you hear the crickets.
-- Danny Rossi
The Most Dangerous Thing In Aviation Is...
...a pilot with a toolbox.
...a politician with a good idea.
DuPage County (West Chicago, IL) is a very busy airport. It was at the
time the second busiest in the state, next to O'Hare. I was transitioning
into SEL from my rotary wing and I liked to sit at the end of the active
and watch other pilots' crosswind landings. The experience was augmented by
a portable scanner, so I could hear the tower to air conversations.
There are two stories here, so I'll keep them short. While I was watching,
a Bonanza taxied to the runup area, completed his pre-takeoff, and received
takeoff clearance. He made it about fifty feet down the runway when his
engine died and he taxied slowly to a stop. Standing in the middle of the
active, he calls for a fuel truck on unicom before he talks to the tower.
The poor controller is very busy trying to change the active with about a
dozen aircraft in the pattern.
On another occasion, a light plane makes a perfect landing in a
stiff crosswind, centers the controls and loses it again. After a minute of
bouncing around and miraculously staying upright, the plane ends up sitting
within a very few feet of the base of the tower. The controller's response:
"Cessna 205, what are your intentions?"
--- Ed Faught
Two Tomahawks are both inbound to the same controlled field. The following
exchange was overheard.
Twr: 591, traffic off your left is another Tomahawk.
591: 591 has the traffic in sight.
Twr: 436, traffic off your right is another Tomahawk.
436: 436 has the traffic.
[brief pause while the controller figures out that both planes are the same
distance From the airport, going the same speed, on nearly parallel
courses.]
Twr: You guys just want to fight it out amongst yourselves?
436: Nah, I got a student under the hood; we'll make a wide pattern.
591: Ok. Tower, 591 will be number 1.
--- Unknown
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that
occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA
man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it. You
should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed
quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed,
but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and
visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting
experience the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my
accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned
to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent
restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the
greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about
the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that
we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as
I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only
a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was
solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found
out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You
could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy
suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very
sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think
that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail
wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a
spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I
don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get
the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's
ridiculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles
and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in
the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those
people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it
was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the
way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things
too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern
just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told
me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since
I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency
because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same
time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think
that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into
a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway
435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town
where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the
solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a
waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized.
My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains
all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots
have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to
be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much
to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot
with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket
once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't
expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on
its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just
kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured
that he was afraid of heights like all non-pilots are. By the way,
something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all
the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we
were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that
computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down
to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These
weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions
with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust some people.
There were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I
decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it
seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having
gotten over his fear of heights, and I didn't want to wake him up.
Anyway,just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really
didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the
other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept
right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety
factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all
airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It
was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in
such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty
dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it
would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs
through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we
passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer
than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I
knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late
for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base
so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored
lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome.
Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on
the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't
believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be
straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer.
Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they
kept talking about some stupid son-of-a-gun up in that fog. I wanted to be
helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the
way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came
running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an
Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was
real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable
manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that
guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking
problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the
weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He
can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he
must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new
license airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
This story is told by an listener as he heard it on an IFR flight in
Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for
landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1
three miles ahead of you
on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1
1/2 miles ahead of you;
reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1
mile ahead of you;
reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this
here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area
airport) the following was overheard: An obvious student in a
Cessna 152: AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway
ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn
anymore to get to the
runway!
Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore
of Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. A pilot wanted to get fairly
high to get the carpet-of-lights effect for their passenger.
FQOZ: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500,
VFR to Buttonville
via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC: QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
FQOZ: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC: Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his
shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a
mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release. "I'm going
to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL
could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if
nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom
make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still,
the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be
a miracle!" Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123,
taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes
out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:
"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says
"Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't
feel quite that lucky."
Tower: Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, Cessna in
the pattern doing touch
and go's.
123:: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions?
Tower: Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief
instructions)...and remain clear
of 16.
123: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
Tower: Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through final, 270
to 16.
123: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) "Cessna123, uh,
sorry could you repeat
that last?"
Tower: Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16.
(Pregnant pause)
Tower: ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time)
123: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.
Here's another one from the wacky minds of Military controllers at Namao. A
bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field
just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR
(Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller
at first contact. The local flying club is civilian/military, and all the
aircraft have permanent PPR's. One day, some pilots were sitting around
listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school
announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR #, and
the pilot said they didn't know about one. The observers expected the
aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29.
We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
{Several more circuits later...}
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you
planning on
making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing
fees, and you're up to
$13,000 now."
{LONG delay...}
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern
and it finally came down to this;
TOWER: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by
for takeoff, but I am
too far away to read it now.
TOWER: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON
THE TELEPHONE after
you have tied down.
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the
middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for
immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer
bolts from the runway,
and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake
turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
Exchange overheard when flying to Lancaster, PA:
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
Heard in the Bay Area:
BB: "Bay Approach, Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly
been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
While flying through Pennsylvania on day under Sever Clear conditions, I
overheard this on the radio:
Flight Check 1234: Harrisbury Approach, Flight Check 1234 is going to
excute a VFR climb.
HAPP: Flight Check 1234, Roger. How high will you be climbing?
PAUSE
Flight Check 1234: Until it stalls
--- Jim Murphy
Overeard at Palo Alto:
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the
left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
Pause...
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted
Cherokee just abeam
the numbers."
Overheard CRW approach talking to someone:
CRW - "By the way, N12345, I'd like to personally commend and thank you for
that outstanding
effort in restoring functionality to your transponder..."
(background guffaws from
several controller co-workers)
Student pilot, lost in western SC, with other A/C on frequency trying to
help him find his way
home (June 1992, a true story):
Student (In panic): "I can't find the airport!"
Other AC: "Can you see any landmarks?"
Student: "I see a river!"
Unicom: "Student pilot, this is "John Doe", CFI at XXX airport. I am going
to help you out. What
radial are you on from Greenwood VOR?"
Student: "Ain't got no radials on this here plane!"
-- John Ritchie
TRUE STORY-
747 on final approach at 1000' off the deck. First Officer says to Captain
"Are you happy with the position of the landing gear, sir?" Captain reaches
down, lowers the gear and lands safely.
--Stephen J. Castle
A true story:
British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline
going today without
filing a flight plan?"
--Stephen J Castle
Grumman 1452 Romeo, Paine tower - extend your downwind leg, I'll call your
base.
Paine Tower, 52R. I can't do that. I'm a student pilot and my instructor
said that I must remain in
the Airport Traffic Area
ATC: "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."
Delta23: "Delta 23, roger."
(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, still at FL 350)
ATC: "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at
flight level two seven zero?"
Delta23: "uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took
that clearance"
ATC: "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"
ATC: "Critter 127, maintain flight level two niner zero, traffic twelve
o'clock, niner miles,
opposite direction at flight level two eight zero, King Air."
Critter: "Critter 127, roger."
ATC: "Critter, correction, your traffic at flight level two eight zero is a
Beech Starship."
Critter: "Critter, roger, we have the backwards King Air in sight."
[for the unfamiliar, a Starship is an aircraft with "pusher" engines, and a
canard wing]
.
On a quiet sunny afternoon at Dublin Airport in Ireland, a bored air
traffic controller watched as two aircraft taxied out to line up for take
off. One was an Aer Lingus Boeing 747 and the other a student pilot on
board a Cessna 152. Both were cleared to line up and hold, the 747 on
Runway 24
and the Cessna on Runway 35. Firstly turning his attention to the Cessna
the tower radioed: "Echo India Bravo Golf Lima, cleared to take off, Runway
35 with a left turnout to the North West sector." The Cessna took off and
put-putted its way into the sky. Then turning his attention to the 747,
the controller said: "Aer Lingus 105 cleared takeoff Runway 24, right
turnout direct track to Shannon........... Caution wake turbulence from a
departing Cessna off Runway 35."
True story, I heard it myself. --Liam Byrne
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight
trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing
next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm
from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right
seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this
flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they
both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought
his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the
trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA
inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando
valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a
controller with a similar problem. He had managed to confuse a commercial
jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning
south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling
out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and
finally the commercial jet pilot inquired as to where he was being sent.
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30
seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
--- Unknown
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