TRADITIONAL TURKS By Serene Ruth Lai Episode 1: “We the spinsters…” =============================================================== SCENE 1: AT THE LIVING ROOM. SITTING ON THE COUCH. EVERYBODY’S READING “SEX AND VIOLENCE”. THEY EACH HAVE A COPY. JOANNE: (Puts book down) Hey, haven’t both of you noticed that we are all unattached? MAY AND SUSAN PUT BOOKS DOWN SUSAN: Hmmm? Yeah… Good observation! And the point being? MAY: (Looks at book cover) Hmm… I wonder why? ALL 3 SHRUG AND START READING AGAIN Introduction with theme song: What’s going on (4 non-blondes) SCENE 2: AT THE KITCHEN. JOANNE IS PREPARING SANDWICHES, AND MAY IS POURING HERSELF A GLASS OF MILK. SUSAN IS AT THE TABLE GOING THROUGH MAIL. SUSAN: Oh no… I think we’ve got a problem here. MAY: Oh don’t worry, Joe’s past her period. SUSAN: No really, listen. The landlady just mailed me to inform me that she would be raising the rent by $400 because of the recent increase in taxes. JOANNE: What taxes? GST? Oh maybe she included the service tax for daily fertilising of our potted plants by her dog! This is absurd! MAY: Let me see that. Man, what are we going to do? SUSAN: The only solution I can think of is to get another roommate. (To May) I mean, she can share the room with you, right? MAY: Another roommate? No way! I have enough of you bombing the toilet every morning, it’s so smelly that no matter what I have for breakfast, it tastes the same. Like . JOANNE: Whatever it is, I refuse to get a job, I won’t be able to take the pressure. When you work, you can study. But when you study, you can’t work. MAY: I know, we can hold interviews for this new roommate. SUSAN: Oh come on, May! What, you’re going to ask her how many times she farts and bombs the toilet per day? Or do you stick your snort on the wall after you hack them up? JOANNE: I guess if we have to get a roommate, we should choose one who is friendly and with pleasant mannerisms, right? MAY: Yeah… that’s what I meant! SUSAN: Okay, since May is so supportive of an interview for the new roommate, she will be put in-charge of looking for potential candidates, getting their resume and interviewing them. Case closed. JOANNE: Excellent! So, all’s set, I have to go for classes now! SUSAN: Me too. See you, Mayo! SCENE 3: AT THE LIVING-ROOM. MAY, SUSAN, JOANNE ARE GOING THROUGH THE RESUMES. SUSAN: Wow, I can’t believe so many people came for the interview! JOANNE: Hey, this one looks good. Pre-medicine. Sounds smart. Doctors are nice people. MAY: You wouldn’t believe it. She an egg-head. JOANNE: What do you mean? MAY: She’s bald! SUSAN: No way! MAY: Okay, let me recommend this one. She’s doing a Nursing course and she’s the sporty type too. Oh yeah, she doesn’t have a boyfriend, so you don’t have to worry about her bringing men home. JOANNE: Well, we don’t really care do we? You are the one who’s sharing the room with her. SUSAN: (looking at photo) hey… not bad! She’s real pretty! Stacy. Nice name too. JOANNE: Hey, will she bring back diseases? MAY: Ewwww…… she’s not going to use our washing machine is she? SUSAN: Oh please. At the most we’d die of the Ebola virus. So? What’s the big deal? Would you rather live with a pretty nurse or an egg-head? JOANNE+MAY: Definitely…. The nurse. SCENE 4: AT THE LIVING ROOM. SUSAN, MAY AND JOANNE HELPS STACY TO MOVE HER STUFF IN. MAY: Whoa, you’ve got an awful lot of stuff! STACY: Yeah, but don’t worry there’s more. MAY: More? What do you mean more? SUSAN: (carrying a huge load of stuff) She means this! JOANNE: How are you going to fit all this into your room? MAY: My room, you mean. STACY: Erm…. I don’t know, but is there a problem now? I mean… I could…. JOANNE: Oh no, there’s no problem. May is just a little particular about neatness, that’s all. But there’s no problem. We’d try to find for them, right May? (nudges May hard) MAY: Ouch! Huh? Erm… yeah, I guess so. SUSAN: Excuse me, but can all of you just cut the crap and unload? ‘Cause the weight is killing me! SCENE 5: AT JACK’S CAFÉ. JOANNE AND SUSAN ARE WAITING FOR MAY AND STACY. JOANNE: What’s taking them so long? SUSAN: (reading magazine) I think May’s helping Stacy unload. JOANNE: Man, I wonder what she’s got in those boxes! They were so heavy! I’d bet she’s one of those irritating farts who read so much they don’t even care if earthworms eat up their bedsheets. Oh… I know, maybe she does weight-lifting, and soon she’d be as huge as JoJo Synclaire and she’d get those muscle spasms you know… like… (twitches her arm). Oh! How about this… maybe she… SUSAN: Quit being so nosy okay? And I’m trying to read here! MAY AND STACY ENTERS CAFÉ STACY: Hi Joanne, hi Susan. JOANNE/SUSAN: It’s Joe/It’s Sue STACY: (laughs) Oh sorry. MAY: Man, I’m pooped! JOANNE: I’d bet! So how was the weights session? SUSAN: (nudges Joanne) Coffee for everyone? STACY: Capuccino please. SUSAN: Mayo, go order for her. MAY LEAVES TABLE STACY: You call her Mayo? JOANNE: Yes. See, we have a nickname for one another. It’s a bonding thing. Gives us a sense of closeness. MAY RETURNS STACY: Oh cool, how fun. So what are you going to call me? JOANNE+MAY: Stacy. (both immediately sip their coffee and look away) SUSAN: (Clearly embarrassed, smiles at Stacy, sips her coffee and looks away) STACY: So… what do you guys major in? MAY: Neuroscience. SUSAN: Pre-veterinary medicine. JOANNE: (does her best imitation of a psycho) Psychology. STACY: (laughs nervously) Oh. So…. How do you people get to know one another? SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER JOANNE: As a matter of fact… SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY: We never did. SCENE 6: LIVING ROOM. SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY LOOK VEXED. SUSAN: Look, maybe you guys were too harsh on her. MAY: What do you mean, harsh? SUSAN: You two kept cutting her off and you don’t even seem interested in a conversation. JOANNE: Hey, you cut her off too. And I’m sure you weren’t interested in her detailed account of how the nurses clean up after their patients. Okay, tell me you are interested in that. SUSAN: Fine, maybe I wasn’t. But at least I was trying. MAY: And, when she came to the part on the condition of the toilets in the hospital, I knew that was it. I’m not gonna share the room with her. SUSAN+JOANNE: (In disbelief) You actually listened to her? SUSAN: And what is your fetish with toilets? MAY: Hey, at least I’m not as weird as she is. JOANNE: No you’re not, you are just plain stupid. SUSAN: Joe! Stop being mean. JOANNE: Okay, I’m sorry. It’s just this whole “Stacy” thing is really getting to me. MAY: Well, where would she have gone after she left us at the Café? JOANNE: I could tell she felt truly awkward and she was holding back her tears when she left. MAY: You know I don’t even know what’s wrong with her. SUSAN: Yeah, I think she’s perfectly fine, except that she’s a woman who just happens to have too much stuff. JOANNE: Actually, I think we were just being ourselves. We are always mean to one another. But I think she isn’t used to it, and we’d better take that special effort to be nice to her, otherwise we’d have to think of another way to raise that extra $400. SUSAN: Yup, and that’s a lot of money. MAY: Why don’t we get her some flowers and a card to show her that we really welcome her into our home. JOANNE: Sue, since Mayo’s always the one with the best ideas… SUSAN: We should just leave the job to her SUSAN+JOANNE: Case closed. SUSAN: (to May) Goodnight, sweetie. JOANNE: (to May) Nite dearie. SUSAN AND JOANNE QUICKLY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THEIR BEDROOM SCENE 7: THE NEXT DAY ON THE KITCHEN TABLE STANDS A VASE OF FRESH FLOWERS AND A CARD BESIDE IT. IT IS ADDRESSED TO STACY. STACY: (enters the room to find the apartment empty. She goes to the kitchen to pour herself a drink. She sees the flowers and the card. She picks the card up and opens it and reads aloud) Dear Stacy. Sorry about last night. We didn’t mean to upset you. Welcome to our home. Love, Mayo, Joe and Sue. (closes the card) How sweet. (Smiles and then smells the flowers) THE BELL RINGS. STACY OPENS THE DOOR. DANIEL: Hi. I was just looking for Susan. Is she around? STACY: Oh Sue? No, but I believe she would be back soon. Do you want to come in and wait for her inside or leave a message or something? DANIEL: Oh no, it’s okay. I wanted to invite Sue and the rest over for dinner because I’m gonna cook my speciality dish. STACY: Really? What would that be then? DANIEL: Curry Spaghetti. STACY GAGS WHILE HE’S NOT LOOKING DANIEL: They love it. I always invite them over when I cook it. STACY: They love it, huh? (looks incredulous) DANIEL: Yup. Hey… aren’t you the new roommate I’ve been hearing so much about? STACY: (mimicks Daniel) Yup. DANIEL: (Offers hand to shake) Daniel Soong. I live in the next block. Room 315. STACY: (shakes hand) Stacy Tan. Pleased to meet you. DANIEL: Oh no, you must think I’m really rude or something. I didn’t even ask you along for the dinner. STACY: Oh no… don’t worry about it. It’s okay, really. DANIEL: No, I really want you to come. Besides, the food’s great and we can do some bonding. STACY: (slightly taken aback) Well…. I don’t know…. DANIEL: I insist. Oh, it’s running late now. I’d better go back to cook. Erm… could you inform the rest for me? I’d see you later at seven. STACY: Okay, no problem. See you later. DANIEL LEAVES AND SLAMS DOOR BEHIND HIM. STACY JUMPS. STACY: Curry Spaghetti? Yuck. (she goes into her room to change clothes) A FEW SECONDS LATER, THE SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY RETURNS HOME, CHATTERING LOUDLY. STACY: (comes out of her room) Hi guys, you’re back! (A sudden hush falls over the three.) SUSAN+JOANNE+MAY: Hi Stace! SUSAN: Welcome back! (hugs Stacy) JOANNE: How’s your day been? (goes to the kitchen) STACY: (to Joanne) Oh it’s been great so far. MAY: Did you like the flowers and the card? STACY: Yes I did! I really like them. Thanks. Thank you, all of you. SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY LOOK AT HER AND SMILE. JOANNE: Hey, we are really sorry about… STACY: Yeah I know. Don’t worry about it. I’ve already put it behind me. (smiles at Joanne) Well, anyway, Daniel popped by just now to invite all of us to dinner at his place. MAY: Dandy? What’s he cooking this time? STACY: His speciality. ALL FOUR: Curry Spaghetti! (they laugh) STACY: Dinner’s at seven. You all coming? SUSAN: Oh no, no, no… we’re busy. We haven’t got time. No, no, no. MAY: (sniggers) You can go by yourself. JOANNE: (tries to look innocent) Yeah, you should. The food’s good. And he’s great company. Right guys? MAY AND SUSAN AGREE OVER ENTHUSIASTICALLY STACY: What? You guys are acting strangely! Is there something I should know? SUSAN: Oh no, Stace. Really you should just go. Did you say it was at seven? Well, it’s already six-thirty. I think you’d better get going. (pushes her toward the door) You know where it is right? The next block, room 315. STACY: (protests) No wait… SUSAN: (pushes her out of the door) You’d be fine, don’t worry. Have fun, bye! (closes the door. She turns around to face May and Joanne) Curry Spaghetti! ALL THREE BURST OUT INTO LAUGHTER. JOANNE: Oh man, this is gonna be hell of a night! THEY BURST OUT INTO LAUGHTER AGAIN. MAY: So what’s for dinner? SUSAN: Let’s eat at Jacks. JOANNE: You’re on! (gives Susan a high five) MAY: Alright, let’s go! THEY ALL STREAM OUT OF THE APARTMENT SCENE 8: AT NIGHT. SUSAN, JOANNE AND MAY ARE SLEEPING IN THEIR ROOMS. SOMEONE RINGS THE DOORBELL AND BANGS ON THE DOOR. JOANNE: (Hurries out of the room and switches on the light) Who is it? ON OPENING THE DOOR SHE FINDS STACY LOOKING VERY PALE AND SHE FAINTS INTO JOANNE’S ARMS JOANNE: (Shocked) Hey people wake up! Help! SUSAN AND MAY QUICKLY COME OUT OF THEIR ROOMS MAY: What’s wrong? SUSAN: Oh my god! MAY: Is she dead? JOANNE: Mayo, go get some hot towels. Sue, come help me get her to the couch. SUSAN AND JOANNE CARRY STACY TO THE COUCH. JOANNE GRABS SOMETHING TO FAN STACY. MAY BRINGS THE TOWELS AND WIPES STACY’S FACE. SUSAN: Gosh, could it be the … MAY: Undoubtedly. JOANNE: Knew it. ALL THREE: Curry Spaghetti. (they shake their heads and sigh) The end