What do you think of when you hear the name: William Shakespeare?  Some people may think of a great writer and still others will think of a boring dead playwright.  But who will actually think that Shakespeare was a funny guy?  It may be hard to believe, but he did have quite a humor, that was even dirty at times.  Shakespeare inserted humor and puns all over his works to entertain his Elizabethan audience.  What’s a pun?  It is the humorous use of a word by playing with more than one of its meanings.  For example, “Can you let us have the salad instead?”  Let us can also be lettuce (lettuce- salad).  OK, it’s not that great but it’s from the top of my head.  The Bard’s are a little better than mine, so don’t worry.  If you have any others, feel free to e-mail them to us at (link disabled).

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PUNS

Romeo and Juliet
 

    SAMPSON  Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.
    GREGORY  No, for then we should be colliers. (*collier- one who works with coal)
    SAMPSON  I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw. (*choler- anger)
    GREGORY  Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.  (*collar- used to hang people, noose)
    SAMPSON  I strike quickly, being moved.  (*moved- physically, pushed)
    GREGORY  But thou art not quickly moved to strike.  (*moved- emotionally)
    (little later)
    SAMPSON  True; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels,
     are ever thrust to the wall: therefore I will push
     Montague's men from the wall, and thrust his maids
     to the wall.  (*push the women on to the walls- sexual terms)
    GREGORY  The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.
    SAMPSON  'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I
     have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
     maids, and cut off their heads.
    GREGORY  The heads of the maids?
    SAMPSON  Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;
     take it in what sense thou wilt.  (*maidenheads- or maidenhood, another word for virginity)
    GREGORY  They must take it in sense that feel it.  (*Get it?)
    SAMPSON  Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
     'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.
    (*Hopefully, I don’t need to explain the 1st past.  2nd part: He thinks he’s “all that”)
    GREGORY  'Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou
     hadst been poor John. Draw thy tool! here comes
     two of the house of the Montagues.  (*Draw thy tool- it can also mean… uh… a certain part only on the male specimen)
    SAMPSON  My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back thee.  (*Uh… yeah)
      ROMEO  Give me a torch: I am not for this ambling;
     Being but heavy, I will bear the light.  (*play on light- as opposed to heavy and the object)
    MERCUTIO  Nay, gentle Romeo, we must have you dance.
    ROMEO Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes
     With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead  (*play on the word sole/soul)
     So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.
    MERCUTIO  You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings,
     And soar with them above a common bound.
    ROMEO  I am too sore enpierced with his shaft  (*play on the word soar/sore)
     To soar with his light feathers, and so bound,
     I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe:
     Under love's heavy burden do I sink.
    (little later)
    MERCUTIO  That dreamers often lie.
    ROMEO  In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.  (*lie- to fib and to be on one’s back)
      ROMEO  Pardon, good Mercutio, my
     business was great; and in
     such a case as mine a man may strain courtesy.
    MERCUTIO  That's as much as to say, such a case as yours
     constrains a man to bow in the hams.
    ROMEO  Meaning, to curtsy.
    MERCUTIO  Thou hast most kindly hit it.
    ROMEO  A most courteous exposition.
    MERCUTIO  Nay, I am the very pink of courtesy.
    (More puns continue for a while, some dirty.  Then comes the goose part.  A goose can mean either the bird, a prostitute,      or a poke in the behind.)
    MERCUTIO  Nay, if thy wits run the wild-goose chase, I have
     done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of
     thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five:
     was I with you there for the goose?
    ROMEO  Thou wast never with me for
     any thing when thou wast
     not there for the goose.
    MERCUTIO  I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.
    ROMEO  Nay, good goose, bite not.
    MERCUTIO  Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most
     sharp sauce.
    ROMEO  And is it not well served in to a sweet goose?
    MERCUTIO  O here's a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an
     inch narrow to an ell broad!
    ROMEO  I stretch it out for that
     word 'broad' - which added
     to the goose, proves thee far
     and wide a broad goose.
    (After the goose scene, the puns continue.)
      MERCUTIO
     An old hare hoar,
    And an old hare hoar,
    Is very good meat in lent
    But a hare that is hoar
    Is too much for a score,
    When it hoars ere it be spent.

    hare = rabbit
    hoar = stale, old, or musty
    hair = that stuff that used to be on dad's head
    whore = a cheap prostitute
    score = twenty men
    score = sex, as in "he scored."
    spent = money paid to a prostitute
    spent = sexually exhausted
    ere = before

Julius Caesar
 

    MARULLUS  You, sir, what trade are you? (*profession)
    SECOND COMMONER     Truly, sir, in respect of a fine workman, I am but,
     as you would say, a cobbler.  (*cobbler means both shoemaker and bungler)
    MARULLUS  But what trade art thou? answer me directly.
    SECOND COMMONER    A trade, sir, that, I hope, I may use with a safe
     conscience; which is, indeed, sir, a mender of bad soles.  (*soles but also souls)
    MARULLUS  What trade, thou knave? thou naughty knave, what trade?
    SECOND COMMONER      Nay, I beseech you, sir, be not out with me: yet,
     if you be out, sir, I can mend you.  (*mend shoes but also mend minds)
    MARULLUS  What meanest thou by that? mend me, thou saucy fellow!

You have some more puns from Shakespeare?  Please e-mail them to us at (link disabled).
 

Insults

“Why you @#$%&!”
We’ve all heard the “Do you bite your thumb at me?” insult.   But guess what?  There’s more!  Fool your friends.  Stump your teachers.  You can now be the Shakespearean bully!!!  (applause, applause.)
 

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