Delusions of Control

By Joshua Tanenbaum

Characters

Patrick Tingle - Man committing suicide. Very Likable, Very Intelligent, but without purpose or direction, or control.

Narrator - Seems to always be a step ahead, very suave, snappy- almost evil in his pre-natural control of the situation - Visible

Christopher Pepperton - Banker - British Accent, snobbish - Has created a complex fantasy for himself to avoid the idea that his wife is cheating on him.

Christina Pepperton - Christopher's Wife-Frustrated Homemaker. Loves her husband, but is in love with Guido.

Karen Ong - News correspondent - Competent and professional, think's she's seen everything, that nothing can shock her.

Paramedic One - Male-Think Superman here, noble, well meaning, but also fully incompetent.

Paramedic Two - Laid back, relaxed to the point of spacy. Almost sedated, but still the more competent of the two.

Officer Samantha Simms - far too much caffeine - bad day.

Guido - Christina's Weight lifter Boyfriend

Ensemble - (10-15)Crowd of bystanders - News team/ground crew, Camera Person, "Shot" Man, Screaming lady, Old Woman, Little Boy + Mother, Strapping Young Man, Young Woman, Dog Walker +Dog, , etc.

Total Characters=21

(Spotlight on narrator)

Narrator -

Welcome to "fair" New York City, where we set our stage. There's something special about this town. New York is a little bit of everybody, she speaks a universal language. That's the thing about New York, the facade of morality that blankets America grows thin at the city limits, pierced and weakened by the Empire State Building. New York is honest, open, and unique.

It's sad - most of us live our lives caring more about the masks we attach to the truth, than the truth itself. We eat, sleep, and breathe lies of our own making, we convince ourselves that we are happy, when we are not, and we seem least sure of ourselves when happiness looms around the bend. But not New Yorkers. In the Big Apple, life has a funny habit of defining itself. Her contradictions are her strength, she thrives in the balance of white and black, good and evil. Our play begins...

(Lights up on stage left, where we see a window to an office building, with a prominent ledge jutting out and around the corner. There are clouds around the base of the building ledge, to infer the great height. The sounds of the city slowly become audible as well - horns honking, people shouting, vendors hawking their wares, dogs barking, and police and fire sirens that sound with disturbing regularity. Cue Pat's Theme Music: Toad The Wet Sprocket's: Crazy Life. Pat jimmy's open window, and climbs out onto the ledge. He is dressed in paint-splattered blue jeans and a black turtleneck, over which he wears a smart sports-coat. He is at once dapper and Bohemian. He slowly edges along the window ledge to the corner, now and then clutching against the wall for safety, as his leading foot gropes for a place to rest.)

Narrator -

("presenting" Pat with an eloquent gesture of the arms)- Patrick Tingle, a man who by all rights ought to be happy. Pat is kind. Pat is generous. Pat is respected by his family and his friends. And boy does Pat have friends! Pat has more friends than he knows what to do with. In fact, Pat has no enemies, or even mere acquaintances. He has no debts to speak of, a good line of credit, matching socks, and a friendly golden retriever puppy named "Spot". Pat's life is busy and full, he spreads joy wherever he goes - always doing what it takes to make the people around him happy. And this makes Pat happy. Or so he tells himself.

Pat -

(Has been looking experimentally over edge, debating whether or not to go through with it. He almost ducks back inside, but catches himself, and instead closes the window with finality. Returning to the very edge he closes his eyes and frantically mumbles a short prayer)...um....God? It's a really nice planet you've got here and all, and I'm sure that there are lots of people with meaning in their lives, but I'm not one of them. It's just too much for me. Nothing personal or anything, after all, I thought Niagara Falls was pretty keen. Not quite keen enough to make up for the platypus, but pretty keen. And the 80's, God? What were you thinking? I mean, I know that you're responsible for sex, so I'm sure you had a good reason. I wouldn't think to judge you, that would be silly. But Rocky Horror?

Narrator -

(calmly - snaps) Freeze (lights dim and all action stops)- What goes through the mind of a man who is about to kill himself? Does he justify? Rationalize? Is there fear, or relief, anger, or sadness? Maybe some of each. What drives Pat here to this window ledge? There is only one good way to find out. Unfreeze.(snaps once and the lights return to normal, Pat slowly draws himself up. We see him tangibly pull himself together. The indecision of a moment ago seems like it belonged to someone else. This is a man with control and discipline. There is a noble power in his face as it slowly relaxes. Pat is in his final moments)

Narrator -

(tapping Pat on the shoulder.)- Pardon me....

(Pat jumps in surprise, which causes him to lose his footing. He's about to fall when the narrator reaches out and grabs his belt and shoulder, holding him at an angle over the city below. Now he's very frightened, he can feel the wrath of God above him and the fires of hell beneath his nose)

Narrator - (cont.)

I couldn't help but notice that you're committing suicide. Might I ask why?

Pat -

Help!.....Who’s there?!? What do you want? Who are you? What are you? (glances down and blanches) h-e-elp me! Who ever you are, help me up! I didn't plan to go like this! I need to control it, don't you see! What if I don't die! What if the fall only breaks my back! What If I have to live in a wheelchair the rest of my life, and make inspiring speeches at award banquets? (Pat is more upset at the idea of living and suffering than at the idea of dying.)

Narrator -

(to audience - sheepish)- Um...Folks...this wasn't supposed to happen quite like this. I seem to have made a little mistake.

Pat -

Hey, whoever you are, what's going on up there? Who are you talking to?!? When in God's name are you going to help me up!

Narrator -

(a moment of decision for the narrator - to Pat)- Just a sec....Hang on.....

Pat -

That's real funny…

Narrator -

(to audience) Don't worry folks, everything is under control. Are you all right Pat?

Pat -

(to himself)- This is it. This is death. I'm in hell right now. This is my punishment! An eternity hanging from a window ledge with an invisible moron above me who could easily save me, but doesn't, and insists on making stupid conversation instead!!

Narrator -

Now let's not jump to conclusions Pat

(Beat)

Pat -

(crying) Oh god....

Narrator -

Calm down. Let's try to rationalize...

Pat -

"Let's" not do anything! I don't know who or what you are, but I am officially ignoring you. It's your fault that I'm going to become an invalid - a stuttering, twitching, drooling shadow of a man who can't even feed himself! As of now, you no longer exist.

Narrator -

Fine, then I'll let go. (He jostles pat slightly.)

Pat -

(reconsiders)- Wait! I changed my mind...whoever you are.... I’ll do what ever you want! You want money? I'll pay you!

Narrator -

(Decided - to audience) See, "everyone can make a difference". (He carefully hoists Pat up onto the ledge) Better now?

Pat -

(Glancing around, not quite sure where to talk to-confused) Yes.... Uh.... Thank you? .... Um...Where exactly are you?

Narrator -

(mysteriously)- I'm not here.

Pat -

If you hadn't been here I'd be a lot deader than I am right now! Now where are you - it sounds as if you were right next to me....

Narrator -

(who is in fact right next to Pat)- Don't be fooled by your perception of reality, your senses only experience my not being here as me standing next to you because they've never perceived anything not being somewhere before.

Pat -

Say that again. Slower.

Narrator -

Okay, Pat, I'll try to explain. I'm not here...

Pat -

Yes you are!

Narrator -

Let me finish. I'm not here, because I don't exist in what you would consider reality. Thus I am not. - period. Where ever I go, I'm not. Thus I'm not, here. You with me so far?

Pat -

No

Narrator -

Exactly.

Pat -

What?

Narrator -

You're not with me because I'm not here.

Pat -

I'm not quite sure if I've got this straight - You are not here?

Narrator -

Right

Pat -

So I'm imagining this.

Narrator -

No, now you're insulting me.

Pat -

How can I insult you if you aren't here.

Narrator -

I didn't say I wasn't present. I said I was not here.

Pat -

That's the same thing.

Narrator -

You're wrong! Those are very different things!

Pat -

Why? Or is the answer to that "not here" as well?

Narrator -

I am "not". Not is the noun. It is what I am being. Where am I not? Right here. I am being not, here! It's simple Pat, everything you perceive around you exists, it has the quality of being, called the "is". If something "is", then it's tangible - you can feel it in a real way. You stand on the ledge because it "is" here

Pat -

Not for long I don't...

Narrator -

(ignores him)- But it cannot exist without the additional possibility of its "not", the flip side of reality, the opposite that gives it's existence meaning. The ledge would have no significance, unless there was the possibility of the ledge not being there.

Pat -

Why didn't you drop me when you had the chance....

Narrator -

No, listen. What is the significance of the ledge to you at this time?

Pat (sarc.)-

Um...It's a barrier between me and the sweet peace that I expect will be death.

Narrator -

Well...yeah...I guess, but how are you interacting with it?

Pat -

I'm standing on it.

Narrator -

And if the ledge were not there?

Pat -

I would fall to my ever so much more eagerly awaited death.

Narrator -

Exactly, thus the ledge is significant in that it provides a surface for you to walk upon. This isn't extraordinary except that at the moment, if the ledge were to not exist, you would be affected by it's absence. KERSPLAT!! (Pat grimaces) This potential tangibility - the effect of there "not" being a ledge, is the key to life.

Pat-

This is too weird!

Narrator -

No it's not. It's reality. The not is like a shadow, it's like darkness. Have you ever seen darkness? How do you know it exists? You can't see the dark by shining a light on it - they're opposites.

Pat -

I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

Narrator -

That's just it. How do you know that you're having a conversation at all?

Pat -

Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm already dead and this is hell.

Narrator -

If only it were that simple...

Pat -

Okay, so if you take away the "is" - If I were to cut off a chunk of that ledge, what was left would become "not"?

Narrator -

Sort of. If you take away the ledge, you also take away the "not". The "not" only exists if there is an "is" to define itself by. The leftover ledge isn't "not"...it's a space where the ledge used to be.

Pat -

Why do I keep thinking that this is going to make sense to me? (The Narrator shrugs, then wink's at the audience - we all know that Pat can't see him) Alright, then how do you figure into this? If the "not" can never be present in the "is", then how is it I can talk to you? If you're "not", how can you be here - a place that's definitely "is"?

Narrator -

That's the ticket! Excellent question Pat, and I'll answer it as soon as you tell me this - what are you doing up on that ledge?

Pat -

I’m playing a very important game of hide and go seek! I'm a rock climber, practicing without any ropes or safety gear. I was going to the Mets game, and I got a bit lost! I'm parachuting off the top without a parachute tomorrow, and thought I would do a practice run today from the seventeenth floor! What does it look like I'm doing!

Narrator -

That's not what I meant. We all know that you want to kill yourself, but none of us know why?

Pat -

Who's we?

Narrator -

I'll get to that, first answer my question.

Pat -

Which one?

Narrator -

The one about "what're you doing up here" wise guy.

Pat -

I told you, committing suicide...or trying to anyway.

Narrator -

And why are you committing suicide?

Pat -

That is a whole new question. One that I don't have to answer until you answer mine.

Narrator -

Which is.....

Pat -

Who are you, and what are you doing here?

Narrator -

That's two questions.

Pat -

Sooo....

Narrator -

Which one'll it be.

Pat -

The first.

Narrator -

(unnecessarily quickly)- I'm the Narrator, or more accurately, I'm a narrator, I'm also "not" but have given myself a kind of tangibility, perceptibility, understandability, by making myself audible to you.

Pat -

(read - Bloody f*cking terrific.) "Tell him what else he’s won, Pat!" Alright, Mr. Narrator, if that's who you really are, what are you doing here?...and don't tell me "narrating", I might just jump!

Narrator -

Not until you tell me why, Mr. Cliffdiver.

Pat -

(begins to re-address his depression)- What does it matter? Who cares why?

Narrator -

(referring surreptitiously to the audience)- I should think that a lot of people care why. I mean, you seem like a really good guy; got a good job, got some good hobbies, a lot of friends, loving family - do you know how many people would die to be you?

Pat -

(bitter)- Yeah, my life has the trappings of happiness. I look really happy. And everyone around me is always happy. What's there to worry about? Not money, my grandfather made sure of that. My health - I don't think I've ever been sick! Success? Women? Nothing is ever risked, it's all planned out ahead of time, I just go through the actions. My life is like a padded room!

Narrator -

Why do you say that?

Pat -

My life isn't a life, it's a dream - it stopped affecting me years ago. Success? Ha! I laugh at the people who think success will make them happy - I have it in spades, and look at me! Do I seem happy to you?

Narrator -

Well, except for some hang-ups....yes. There is nothing wrong in your life that can't be fixed.

Pat -

That's where you're wrong. There's nothing in my life that's worth fixing - I'm tied into this routine so tightly it's like I can't even breath anymore - the air keeps getting in the way!

(Fade out on ledge, and up on ground. People in the ensemble stroll by. A policeman (Simms) patrols the beat, etc. Suggested schticks: One woman chases a young boy with a broom, they re-appear moments later with the young boy chasing her with a snake. A dog wander's on, takes a leak on a tree, and ambles off. A young couple on a date appears, he begins to kiss her, she slaps him. He looks hurt, and she winks, dragging him off by his tie. Cue: Pepperton's theme music: Little Brown Jug. Christopher Pepperton, a smartly dressed business man walks onstage confidently. He carries a small wicker Easter basket with swaddling cloths draping over the sides. He sets it carefully on the ground and begins to make funny faces at whatever's in the basket. He makes baby noises, and as if in response, his pager goes off loudly. He reverently removes it from the basket and cradles it in his hands as he checks the message. Satisfied, he returns it to the basket, and decisively exits towards the building. The lights on the ground go out, and the ledge returns. The window opens and Mr. Pepperton emerges first. After a close call, he regains his balance and reaches through the open window to retrieve the basket with his pager. Turning he sees Pat, and is obviously unhappy with his presence. When he speaks it is with a British accent)

Mr. Pepperton -

Oh my! You aren't supposed to be here. No sir! I demand that you exit this ledge at once!

Pat -

What?

Pepperton-

You heard me. Leave, remove yourself, exit, depart, go away, My.... (glances at the basket pointedly) friend...and I would like to be alone up here.

Pat -

Well find some other ledge buddy, this one's mine.

Narrator -

Ours!

Pat -

Whatever.

Pepperton -

Is your name on this ledge? No siree! I don't see your name anywhere on the place.

Pat -

You don't even know my name! (Pepperton begins to retort, then stops in deep thought)

Narrator-

(feeling helpful) Patrick F. Tingle, Trustee, and attorney at law. In fact you wanna hear something pretty funny, the F actually stands for...

Pat -

Be quiet! That's none of his business.

Pepperton -

Now I'm not saying a thing over here, so you be quiet yourself. In fact, why don't you do it on another ledge?

Pat -

Now hang on "old chap", I was here first. Now I see no reason why we can't share this ledge. It ought to be big enough for two people.

Narrator and Pepperton -

Three!

Pat -

Huh?

Pepperton -

Three, my...friend.... is a person too. He has feelings! Now if you'll excuse me, we'd like a little privacy. (He turns away from Pat, who feigns ignorance. Pepperton whispers frantically to his pager) You said today was the day.... And this is the building!.... Give me a sign pookie!...What is this ignorant man doing here?!...(Pager beeps loudly) What's that?.....(reads, then titters) Oh....not here....oooh...you have such bad timing...

Narrator -

Pat, I think that this guy is committing suicide too.

Pat -

What gave you that idea? Something's obviously wrong with him. Like he's "not quite right", you know? Do you think he's a loon?

Pepperton -

Who are you talking too?

Narrator -

(slight overlap) - That may be a bit harsh.

Pepperton -

(returning to pager) - Don't let the big meanie get to you, I know I'm not crazy, I'm normal. We're normal. Maybe he's the crazy one. Don't worry, I'll never let him get you. Never, never never never never let him come between us!

Narrator -

Or not, what do you think Pat?

Pat -

Honestly?

Pepperton -

And after today, we'll never be apart again...we'll always be together.

Pat -

Definitely a loon...

Pepperton -

(suddenly to Pat)- Stop it, alright! You know what you are, my good man? You're crazy! You talk to people who aren't there! Don't think I don't hear you! You and your invisible voice, snickering about me, calling me crazy! You're the crazy one!(to pager) Don't worry, Pookie, it'll be alright. (Turns and begins cooing to his pager softly as the conversation continues)

Pat -

(to Narrator) - This is your fault! You brought "Lennie" here; up to distract me from jumping. Well it ain't gonna work.

Narrator -

No way Pat, I swear I had nothing to do with him.

Pat-

(to Narrator) Then what's he doing here?

Pepperton -

(thinks Pat's talking to him) What?

Pat -

(to Pepperton)- Nothing.

Narrator -

We both must have just picked the wrong window... on the wrong floor... on the wrong day... on the wrong skyscraper in New York Ci....uh, you know now that I think about it, that does seem pretty unlikely. (To Pepperton) Excuse me sir? Um...Excuse me...(Pepperton cannot hear the Narrator, however)

Pat -

(to Pepperton) Hey buddy...(no response, to narrator) Maybe he only talks to pagers....

(up on ground)

Lady on the ground(Became an ‘80’s poster-child/mallrat when we did it) -

(points and screams - heavy Brooklyn Yiddish accent) Oh my gawd! There's two people on that ledge!....Don't Jump...(etc. ad lib)

(slight disruption in the pattern of people on the street as they consider this, then an almost inaudible shrug and the crowd dissipates back into the routine confusion. A few people stop to point and gawk, but most hurry on their way. Even so, eventually, a small crowd has built up.)

Pat -

(to Pepperton)- Excuse me...sir....I didn't quite catch your name.

Pepperton -

(reading from pager's lcd screen)-¼oooh¼tell me again what you're doing with your tongue¼

Pat -

(offended) Excuse me!!

Pepperton -

(notices Pat)- Hey!!....mind your own business...we'd like to be alone...

Pat -

Who's we? (Pepperton looks offended) As far as I'm concerned we are alone on this ledge. Just the two of us....

Narrator & Pepperton -

Three!

Pat -

Whatever!

(Annoyed, they both make an effort to ignore each other. Meanwhile, the crowd on the ground is relatively large by now. A police officer is trying unsuccessfully to shove though the crowd)

Simms -

Excuse me, pardon me, move aside, you know the drill, c'mon honey - this is New York, move that brat, pardon me, hello, is anybody listening?

(frustrated, the officer pulls a revolver and fires a shot into the sky. Pat and Pepperton immediately duck and cover. She continues to fire two more shots off in rapid succession. The crowd immediately shut's up and backs off. One guy checks frantically for the bullet wound he is sure he just received, as an older woman faints into the arms of the strapping young man. Instead of putting the gun away, the police officer brings it to bear on the crowd)

Simms-

Nobody move!!! Alright, now I want you all to line up...pronto!! You people messed with the wrong officer. (Simms is spastically and violently bringing the gun to bear on anyone who so even twitches wrong. One little kid makes a face at Simms and the officer bears down on him) You wanna keep that cute little tongue?! (He almost begins to bawl but Simms motions with the gun and he shuts up) Alrighty people! I'm Officer Simms, and I'm having a BAD DAY!

Narrator -

She can say that again! It's alright Pat, I think she's done.

Pat -

(from his huddled position-muffled)-I'm not coming out!

Pepperton -

(Also huddled up)-Don't worry Pookie, I'll keep you safe!

Simms -

Hand's behind your heads! (everyone is scared stiff - slowly Simms repeats) Officer Simms says - hands behind your heads....

(from here on, they follow Simm's instructions to their best ability except for one man, who begins to sneak off stage very slowly)....

Simms -

Simms says turn around....Simms says touch your toes.... Simms says stand up straight....Simms says go "MOO".....Simms says DUCK!(The crowd ducks except for man trying to escape...Simms shoots him in the leg) Simms never said to run away....(the "shot" man crumples to the ground. There is a shocked reaction from the crowd, and several people suggest calling the paramedics, Simms continues to wave the gun, even as the crowd gathers around the shot man. )

Pat -

(slowly emerging from fetal position. Shock changing to anger) They’re trying to shoot us!? Why would they be shooting at us? Are they insane?! (Shouts at ground) DAMN IT, I'M ALREADY TRYING TO KILL MYSELF YOU BASTARDS, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!

Simms -

(can't quite tell what he's saying, shouts)- Don't worry Mister! We're going to get you down! Everything is going to be okay!

Pat -

(*shouting*)- What? I can't hear you! Speak Louder!!

Simms -

(*shouting* back, not clued in at all) Alright sir, I'll get you a root beer! Stay....Put.....!!!

Pepperton -

(has been slowly unwinding as well, and paying attention to Pat for once, suddenly realizes why he is up here.) You're committing suicide? That's terrible! Why in the name of God would you want to do that?

Pat -

(having trouble taking Pepperton seriously in general. Retorts)- So why are you up here? To get some air? To take a lunch break? To ponder metaphysical mysteries of what it means to exist? Or to jump off of a building? To kill yourself.

Simms -

(pushing through the crowd to shot man)-Alright people, move aside!

Old lady -

(who has now caught the strapping young man) - ooh....hello there handsome...(she's groping him very obviously)

Simms -

Move it!

SYM -

Help!

Pepperton -

Pookie and I aren't killing ourselves, we're going on - to a better place - where we can be together forever!

Pat -

You're killing yourself.

Pepperton -

No I'm not!

Simms -

Somebody bandage that man's leg! Everybody else, stay put! (People gather around the "shot" man in such as way as to disguise the person who bandages him.)

Pat -

...And you're taking orders from a pager!

Pepperton -

Not orders! Pookie loves me!

Pat -

A pager! They don't talk!!!! They are in-animate objects.!!!!

Pepperton -

(scared) Stop it! You're going to hurt Pookie-wukum's feelings!

(People on the ground are now seated in a loose circle, with Simms patrolling. The "shot" man appears to be unconscious, but his leg has been (or is being) bandaged by someone in the crowd)

Simms -

You people stay where you are. I don't want any trouble out of this crowd! I'm here to ensure the safety of everyone involved in these delicate rescue proceedings!

"Shot" Man -

(groans slightly)

Simms -

Any injuries are taken out of my paycheck!!

"Shot" Man -

(groans more loudly)

Simms -

Safety is of the utmost importance to me!

"Shot" Man -

(groans again, this time culminating in a scream of pain)

Simms -

(growing louder to compensate)- But for everything to be safe, we need discipline!

"Shot" Man -

(groans, screams, and thrashes insistently - Simms draws gun on crowd)

Simms -

Am I making myself clear! (the crowd agree's frantically, even as the wail of sirens and flashing lights, and the screeching of brakes announces the arrival of the paramedics.)

Pepperton -

(to pager)- Look Pookie, all the pretty lights on the ground, they're waiting for us...

Pat -

(still can't quite believe this guy)- Those are the ambulances! I wish I could make out what was going on more clearly. It's a shame I picked such a high ledge.

Narrator -

(overlapping entrance)- Here they come...(shouts) Way to go...HMO!! Way to go...HMO!!

(Cue music - Circus Theme The paramedics stumble on with medkit's and a stretcher like angels of anarchy and disorganization, dropping sterile instruments, and behaving generally unprofessional. One, however, realizes that there are people here, and snaps to like a soldier.)

Medic 1-

(very noble and professional - except that he’s wearing what appears to be a child’s superman cape - striking a pose) Where's the victim!?! (to dog walker) Are you okay?

Dog Walker -

(not sure what to say) um....

Medic 1 -

(to old lady) How did you feel when you got up today?

Old Lady -

(still clutching SYM) Well, sonny, my back ain't what it used to be....

Medic 1 -

(Overlapping, to SYM) How are you feeling now?

SYM -

Help!

Medic One -

(to mother) - Have you been shot in the last half hour?

Mother -

(indignant)Well...I never...I....

Medic 1 -

Which of you made the call? (little boy raises hand, mom pulls it down and scolds him) Who's bleeding away their life?

Dog -

WOOF!

Medic 2-

(profound, almost drugged - mellow and slow) Uh...man...maybe it's the one with the bandaged leg.

Medic 1 -

(examines the leg - sees no emergency) Nope, this one's alright, now where's the emergency?

"Shot" Man -

I'm the emergency.

Medic 2 -

Maybe one of them...uh...put the bandage on...he could be an emergency....

Medic 1 -

(overly eager to shout "Clear!") Do you think we should defibrillate?!

Medic 2 -

Has anyone had a heart attack?

Old Woman -

Not today (clutches SYM)...yet.

SYM -

Help!

Pat -

Maybe I'll just jump now.

Narrator -

No one's stopping you Pat. You can jump at any time

Pat -

You already stopped me once, If I die, it's going to be on my terms.

Pepperton -

Well try and make it quick, Pookie and I would like some privacy for our final moments.

Pat -

Talk to each other on the way down...

Medic 1 -

Wait! Hang on! No one here's been shot?

"Shot" man -

I've been shot!

Medic 1 -

(urgently)-Why didn't you say so! Quick! Hurry, someone call the paramedics, this man's been shot! HELP!!! Does anyone know CPR? (*lightbulb* - he rushes to shot man's side and begins shaking him violently.) Annie! Annie! Are you okay?!? (Medic 2 begins to protest, but medic one silences him with a pointed finger) YOU! (Medic 2 looks around confused) Go for help and come back! (Medic 2 begins to run off stage. He suddenly realizes that he is a Paramedic, and turns back to Medic 1 who is trying in vain to unclasp the shot man's mouth so he can perform CPR. Medic 2 slowly walks over and gently but firmly moves Medic 1 out of the way so he can inspect the bandage.)

Medic 2 -

Sorry man, this guy seems well taken care of.

Medic 1 -

Let me see! (inspects leg again) This is a marvelous bandaging job! (to crowd) Which one of you did this? Ahh come now...don't be shy.... (the little boy steps forward) That's funny son...now who really did it? Come on...

Boy -

But I did it...I swear...

Medic 2 -

Hey....ahh...kid...where would someone like you learn how to tie a...uhhhhh.... bandage like that?

Boy -

(shrugs) I live in New York.

Pepperton -

I think you're being irrational! Suicide is wrong!

Pat -

Says who? Just because something's against the law it doesn't make it wrong.

Narrator - I never understood that.

Pepperton -

That must be a very difficult philosophy to live by.

Narrator -

How can your government outlaw suicide...after all, you only obey laws because of the fear of the consequences.

Pat -

(to narrator) Why should that matter?

Narrator -

Man obeys laws if there is something about the law that seems reasonable to him, or if he is afraid of what will be done to him if he doesn't obey.

Pepperton -

(To Pat)- You're so apathetic. How can you stand it?

Pat -

(to Pepperton)- Why do you think I'm jumping off a building, cheap thrills?

Narrator -

I just don't get how your government can expect you to care about laws forbidding suicide when you won't be around to face any consequences.

Pepperton -

I'm glad there won't be people like you where Pookie and I are going!

Simms -

(swaggering over to Medic 1 after inspecting the "ambulance" off stage) Hey buddy! I'm gonna have to see your driver's license!

Medic 1 -

What for, good officer of the law?

Simms -

(smacking gums loudly and menacingly)- Well, you're parked in a "No Parking" zone. I'm gonna have to have your vehicle towed......possibly confiscated.....Painted olive green.....dismantled....sold for parts on the black market.....it's standard procedure.

Medic 1 -

Now one moment, faithful defender of the people's trust! As a member of the medical emergency response unit in this particular urban district, I am endowed with certain privileges to better facilitate the speed and efficiency of my response in a disaster situation. Furthermore I strongly feel that....

Simms -

Hey buddy, I don't make the laws, I just enforce them, now put your hands behind your back before I have to get rough with you. (Simms roughly begins to handcuff him)

Narrator -

(over handcuffing)- Face it Pat, the system's screwed up.

Medic 1 -

Now wait just a *ufg* ....hang on *ungh*....that's what I've been trying to *ouch*....would you stop that!

Pat -

(over handcuffing) - And boy I'm glad I won't have to deal with it after today.

(Simms moves on to Medic 2 who protests in a similar manner as Medic 1)

Simms -

Alright, now I want you boys to sit down over there and make nice, kapeesh?

Narrator -

(overlap as handcuffing continues quietly)- But why jump off a building, Pat? It's so messy. And so public. Why not take pills? Or hang yourself? Or crash your head repeatedly into a brick wall.

(ground freezes as lights dim)

Pat -

(to himself) Yeah, maybe I'll just buy a gun.

Narrator -

Cute Pat.

Pepperton -

(to pager) Don't you love me Pookie? Tell me you love me and then we can be together forever! (notices Pat staring at him) Well? What do you want?

Pat -

Nothing, what did you say your name was again?

Pepperton -

Christopher Pepperton, why?

Pat -

Pepperton.....Pepperton? Why is that so familiar?

Narrator -

(like he's reading from a manual)-Mr. Christopher Pepperton, banker. Directly manages....

Pat -

(as he realizes)....one of the largest banks in New York? Man, this guy makes more money than God. I wonder why he's killing himself?

Pepperton -

Who are you talking to, "old chap"?

Pat -

I'm not your chap, and don't sweat it, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Pepperton -

Distrusted! Pookie, nobody cares about us anymore! I hope paradise is nicer than this place! But then, it would have to be, how could anything be wrong in heaven?(to Pat) Do you believe in Heaven Sir?

Pat -

(hit a soft subject) - Um....well...that's tough to answer completely. Do I think Heaven would be a nice place? Sure, it would have to be, right? But do I hope it exists? Hell no! Think about it, if there's a Heaven, then inversely, there must be a Hell. And if that's true, than several minutes from now I'll be tied to a bed of spikes eating Planters Peanuts off of the tongue of a tattooed fat lady in tight speedos.

Pepperton -

(taken aback-tries to digest that)- oh....

Narrator -

That's it Pat! Now you've hit on the classic "is"/"not" relationship - Heaven and Hell, even if your vision of Hell is completely inaccurate.

Pepperton -

...Which of you is wearing the speedos?

Pat -

(To Narrator)- Of course! Heaven is the "is" and Hell is the "not"! I get it! The idea of Heaven doesn't exist without the idea of Hell as well!! I get it! I'm an idiot! It's so simple!

Pepperton -

...Why do I get the impression that he's poking fun at us Pookie?

Narrator -

Very good, both of you!

Pat -

(to Pepperton) I’m not poking fun at you, or your imaginary friend Pookie, I’m just not talking to you.

Pepperton -

Well that's really rude! Who were you talking to then?

Pat -

Someone who's not, here.

Pepperton -

If you don't want to say you don't have to.

Pat -

No seriously, he's not, here - it's really complex.

Pepperton -

It seems as simple as bad manners to me!

Pat -

So why don't you leave?!? "Fly on" to your "better place", leave me alone!

Pepperton -

I will!......just as soon a Pookie gives me the signal.

(Pat and Narrator begin a more hushed conversation out of earshot.)

Narrator -

(getting excited at the conversation prospects) You know Pat, If you think about it, this guy is just like every religious person you've ever met.

Pat -

(stays basically unemotional) What? Screwy up top? Isn't that unfair to all the nice religious people out there?

Narrator -

(beginning to build - happily - growing progressively more animated throughout scene) Nice has nothing to do with this. It's a theory I have. I think that the root of many of our problems comes from an imbalance in the way we perceive God, and in the way we are taught to relate to him.

Pat -

Here we go again......

Narrator -

Alright, how about I let you figure it out on your own this time? What does the pager represent?

Pat -

("oy vey") Oh God...

Narrator -

We'll get to that. Now what does it symbolize?

Pat -

Alright. Communications - right? Technology bringing people together.

Narrator -

Good start. What else?

Pat -

Else? There's more?

Narrator -

As always.

Pat -

Okay, it represents dishonesty.

Narrator -

Why?

Pat -

Because the nature of Pepperton's relationship with it is false. There is no way that pager can talk.

Narrator -

But there's no way that I can talk either, I'm a "not".

Pat -

Yeah, but you're different.

Narrator -

Yeah, but you're wrong.

Pat -

Yeah, so what's your point

Narrator -

That "dishonesty" is not what I was looking for. "God" is.

Pat -

Huh?

Narrator -

(thrilled to get to say this) The pager represents God.

Pat -

You are twisted........

Narrator -

Tell me why.

Pat -

I thought that I was through with this crap in college!

Narrator -

(guilt trip)- Fine. You don't want to take advantage of the enlightened and unique perspective I can give you, so be it. You want to die in this small little world, thinking your small little thoughts, so be it, it's not my place to broaden your horizons. Heck, I'm just the Narrator, no one of consequence, just one man who's not, here to make a difference...

Pat -

(cuts Narrator off somewhere midway through that - factually)-The pager represents God because apparently it has assumed a dominant role in the activity of Mr. Pepperton's life. He not only respects it; he doesn't just love it - - he worships it. He has forsaken his family, friends, and colleagues because of its demands. He has placed its thoughts over those of his own, and has chosen to ignore science, logic, and common sense, in favor of this irrational relationship.

Further more, he has given it the power of life and death over him, choosing death as a way to a promised Heaven, instead of the Heaven that his life could be right here if he would to just open his eyes and look around! But that goes without saying.

Narrator -

(almost impressed - not quite) And how did you know all of this?

Pat -

(sheepish) I guessed....

Narrator -

(grinning)- I knew he had it in him folks.

Pat -

So your theory is that people ought to stop imagining what God expects of them, and instead, start working to best serve what they expect of themselves?

Narrator -

(giddy-beginning to pace back and forth on the ledge, gesticulating wildly as he gets more and more excited) Close Pat, very close. The problem is that too many people don't even approach their lives as their own. They live "piously" and "religiously" and, my personal favorite, "righteously"! Decency isn't important, goodness isn't important-belief is important - belief and faith.

Pat -

(trying to keep up) But some people need that. It's necessary.

Narrator -

(almost forgetting that Pat is even there) But people are so caught up in these imaginary morals, and the rituals, and the belief system, and the structure, that they don't actually find the time to live their lives right. Religion has become a substitution for morality, not a teacher of it! What makes a priest; who takes in a beggar because "God" commanded he give charity; any more Holy, or good, than the Atheist who buys a bum a hot meal on the way home because he fulfills his own personal "selfish" morals in doing so?!?

Pat -

Alright. I think I've got it.

Narrator -

(without stopping) Do you realize the suffering people endure for their religions? How do you justify the holy wars of the world...what possible excuse is there for them?

Pat -

There isn't one....what's that have to do with Pepperton?

Narrator -

(steamrolls on) Just think of the Crusades! The Inquisition! The Holocaust! Bosnia, Ireland, the Middle East! How do you live in a world where the institution that claims the highest standards of morality - divine morality - is responsible for the worst atrocities of your history!?!

Pat -

Gosh, and I thought I was depressed before. (pause) What does that have to do with Pepperton, why not just write him off as simple, or insane.

Narrator -

Pepperton is blind. Something has done this to him.

Pat -

Pepperton is crazy, I say let him jump!

Narrator -

He's everyone who never questioned their Priest, or Rabbi, they simply jumped off the building and died an ambiguous, unholy death. They never felt the need for goodness, because their faith provided an illusion of it.

Pat -

The man's nutty.....that's it.

Narrator -

We'll see Pat, right now, I'd suggest you straighten yourself out a bit.

Pat -

(suddenly suspicious)-Now why do you say that?

Narrator -

A news crew just pulled up to the police line, don't you want to look nice for your television interview?

Pat -

(at this point he is within Pepperton's circle of attention.) What makes you think I'll talk to some reporter.

Pepperton -

Reporter? Pookie and I don't like reporters. They always make Pookie jealous....

Pat -

Sorry, but I gotta side with the jolly old chap on this one, no reporters.

Narrator -

Sorry Pat, but it's out of my hands.

Pepperton -

Side with who? I'm confused again?

Narrator -

Here she comes, last chance to bail out.

Pat -

That's not funny, how can you be so serious one minute, and so corny the next?

Pepperton -

But I am confused.

Narrator -

It comes with this-here robe...

Pat -

I'm not even going to ask...

Karen -

(appears on the ledge swiftly and professionally, she is followed by her cameraman, who appears extremely nervous about the height. She addresses the camera) Hello, this is Karen Ong, for KNBC 48, New York, and I'm standing on the ledge of one of the largest office buildings in New York City, the Schlomo(Pronounced - shhl-oh-moe), Schlomo, Schlomo, Herschzel,(pronounced: Her-shell) and Sons, Gefilte Fish World Head-quarters, and Health Spa.

Pat -

(to narrator)-Hey, can't you get rid of her?

Narrator -

Yeah.

Pat -

So why don't you.

Narrator -

(playing dumb) I like her, she's purty. Good teeth!

Pat-

*expletive*

Karen -

(thrusting her microphone into Pat's face) Sir, why are you on this ledge?

Pat -

(annoyed, mocking)- Diaper Rash!

Karen -

Excuse me, could you speak a bit louder, so the viewers at home can hear.

Pat -

I said Diaper Rash! - they say that the higher altitudes reduce the painful irritation, the swelling, the puss. This prevents scabbing and possible permanent...(she pulls the microphone away)...damage to the....

Karen -

That's all...very....er....interesting...Mr.?

Pat -

Tingle - - Pat Tingle, and gosh this wind feels good when it gusts up my jeans!

Karen -

Well, that's absolutely delightful! (covers mike with hand) Can it buddy, I could get a Peabody for this, but you're screwing it up! This isn't funny!

Narrator -

Yes it is! Score Pat!

Pat -

Edit it out!

Karen -

We're live!

Pat -

Sucks to be you.

Narrator -

Oh leave her be Pat, she's just doing her job, give her some honesty.

Pat -

Easy for you to say! I didn't mean for this to be a public spectacle you know! It was just going to be a "quiet little suicide", just like one of the thousands of other "quiet little suicides" in New York City!

Karen -

(during this - to cameraman) You getting this? (Thumbs up. To Pat-) Who are you talking to Mr. Tingle?

Pepperton -

Oh, that's his imaginary friend. The one who's not here.

Pat -

He's not imaginary, He's just not! But he's here right now.

Karen -

(to camera)- Yes, I have just received confirmation that one of the presumed jumpers, a man by the name of Patrick Tingle, is indeed suffering from certain mental ailments. We'll keep you informed with more on-the-spot-news from KNBC, 48. We clear? (Thumbs up) Okay! (To Pat-annoyed) Alright look, I'm at a commercial, but as soon as these few moments are up, we're live again. Try and co-operate, alright! Now sit here (indicates), and face this way (Pat allows himself to be molded like a human statue for a bit, as she experiments with several different poses, only his face betrays how much this annoys him)

Karen(cont.) -

(playing the artist) Okay hold that pose!(Measures him against here thumb, one eye squinting shut - mutters) No no no no no. This isn't working! Give me "depressed" (he rolls his eyes)Good enough - (notices Pepperton, who is talking to Pookie)

Pepperton -

Now pookie, I don't want you to worry! I swear I won't even look at the big mean camera! It isn't important that it has more buttons! You're the one I love!

Karen -

Who's he?

Pat -

Oh, that's Christopher Pepperton, you know the banker.

Karen -

(amazed)-That's the Christopher Pepperton?!? That guy makes more money than God! In fact, he refused to make a statement last year during our investigation of the corruption in New York's banks! I wonder if he'll talk to me now?

Pat -

Maybe, but only if you're nice to Pookie.

Karen -

Pookie?

Pat -

His pager.

Karen -

Of course.

Camera Person -

And we're live in 5...4...3.. (two....one....fingers the last two, as Karen straightens herself up and retrieves the microphone)

Karen -

We're back, live from the 17th floor where the plot continues to thicken. Seated with me (they are by now) are Patrick Tingle-"Suicidal Lunatic", and Christopher Pepperton, "Corrupt Banker". Mr. Tingle, what can you tell me about yourself?

Pat -

(annoyed again - "suicidal lunatic" got to him) What's there to tell Karen? My life bites it. I'm acting out of selfishness and insecurity by chucking myself off a building, instead of dealing with my problems in a reasonable way!

Karen -

That's...nice. What about your childhood? Were you abused?

Pat -

(sarc. - slight transformation)-Oh yes Karen, it was horrible! I came from a wealthy family with a long, painful history of financial success, and close emotional bonds! The agony I endured growing up with all of my desires fulfilled before they could be voiced has scarred me eternally! My entire childhood was one living cesspool, especially after that incident with the caviar, and the president of France! (Fake sobs) but...you wouldn't understand.

Karen -

Um....well then, after you left home, struck out on your own...when life forced you to struggle your way to the top! Did the rat race bring you to this?

Pat -

Well, yeah - it was tough the first few moments of being Chairman of the Board, a position left to me by my Grandfather when he also left me a controlling interest in the Tingle Trust --we're a large investment firm on Wall Street, maybe you've heard of us? It was so awful for me, not knowing how to spend all the money I had suddenly acquired!

Narrator -

You're such a putz Pat...

Karen -

That's...er...really nice Mr. Tingle....care to tell us about your hobbies while you're at it?

Pat -

As long as we're here, I don't see why not. After all, I am going to be dead in a couple of minutes. Okay here's the deal. My dad's a big lawyer, and when he dies he plans for to fill his shoes. So I'm going to night school to study law.

Karen -

(sarc.) - Fascinating.....

Pat -

(has started a tirade and must press ever onward) My mom is an artist, and lucky me, I inherited her skills. What does she do? She gives me my own studio! One catch - I have to spend my weekends cooped up in there painting the next generation of "modern art".

Karen -

(Yawns.) - Keep going I'm.....(yawn) paying attention.

Pat -

Thanks, I appreciate that. Anyhow....where was I?

Narrator -

Your sister.....

Pat -

Thanks....My sister - the athlete, is going to the Olympics, and it's up to me to oversee her coaching.

Karen -

What bizarre delusions, if you don't mind me saying.

Pat -

(ignores her)- We've been doing that since she was a kid, I'm the only coach she'll listen to. Now my brother - he's one of the TV chefs from the Foods Channel. He relies on me to create his recipes, but don't let him know I told you this, he'd kill me for revealing his secret.

Karen -

Anything else?

Pat -

Yeah, but I can't discuss it, I'm too depressed. Oh - I also write novels.

Karen -

Yeah - That.....must be terrible for you! (trying to save this interview) Um...Mr Pepperton! What are you doing up on this ledge?

Pepperton -

That's between Pookie and I.

Karen -

You mean the pager you have in that Easter Basket? Care to explain that whole thing to our viewers?

Pepperton -

If I must. I was rifling through my wive's underwear drawer one day, you know, looking at all the underwear and...stuff. And suddenly, one of her brassieres's started shakin' and twitchin' like something out of a horror film. I thought it was a bomb, from one of my competitors, so I threw myself to the floor. When it stopped, I peeled away the brassiere and there he sat - he had been waiting for me. It even said so right on the front "Chris, your pookie wookie is waiting for you."(to pager) and you were...weren't you Pookie.

Pat -

Um, maybe this is none of my business, but couldn't that pager have belonged to your wife?

Pepperton -

(suddenly outraged) Of course not! Why would my wife need a pager? And why wouldn't she tell me if she wanted one? I would have bought it for her. Heck! I gave her everything! A beautiful house, beautiful clothes, fancy jewels.... and she never had to work, could just stay home and be pretty, just like she liked to do. She would have no reason to cheat on me! None! Don't even think it!!

Narrator -

(whispers)- Pat, I think this is the key to Pepperton.

Pat -

(also whispers)- Alright....but why are you whispering?

Karen -

(to camera)- Well, this plot can't get any thicker....

Narrator -

Yes it can.

(lights on ground fade up - Christina Pepperton carefully picking her way to the front of the crowd. She wears a traditional homemaker's dress and apron, but is lovely nonetheless. She is obviously containing a lot of emotions...stress, and worry are the most apparent.)

Christina -

Excuse me....sorry...excuse me...Officer! Officer you have to help me!

Simms -

Hey!...did I give anyone permission to stand? I don't think so!

Christina -

(gulping as gun is thrust in her face) Please, sir....ma'am...sir...ma'am... you have to help me!

Simms-

Whaddaya Want!?!

Christina -

I...just...I...uh...

Simms -

Make it snappy honey, you're interrupting a delicate rescue operation!

Christina -

(the stress gets to her a bit)-Wait a minute! I don't see any "operation"! Where are the nets? The air bags? The megaphones? Where are the fire trucks and ladders, and psychiatrists trained to talk people down in this kinda thing?!?

Simms -

(calming a bit) Look lady, I'm in charge here, so don't tell me how to do my job!

Christina -

(refusing to lower voice) Then damnit do something! I'm Christina Pepperton and my husband is up there! Now let me by, I need to talk to him!

Simms -

(authoritative, but understanding) Hang on lady, I'm going to need authorization from Headquarters before I let anyone up there!

Christina -

But he's my husband!

Simms -

(building again) I don't care if he's your only son! I don't care if he's the president of France! I don't care if he's God! I can't let you see him until I clear it with Headquarters.

(freeze - to ledge again)

Pepperton -

Pookie speaks to me with divine words, he gives me messages from a greater power.

Pat -

I can't believe she's actually listening to this! She acts like she believes him!

Karen -

And how often, Mr Pepperton, did you say "Pookie" spoke to you?

Pepperton-

Well, he only seems to talk during the evenings and nights, I think he sleeps in the mornings. But he always has something loving to say.

Narrator, Pat, and Karen -

Like what?

Pepperton -

Well, first he would give me long messages of the *ahem* private sort. And then, he began asking me to come away with him. To a better life, he said. Every day he talks about me severing all ties with my old life and joining him forever. At first I thought he meant leaving the bank, but soon I realized that I needed a complete rebirth!

Karen -

Well...that's fascinating.

Pat -

That's ludicrous!

Narrator-

That's Karen Ong's Peabody Award....

Pepperton -

I'm just waiting for Pookie to give me the sign - his final expression of love for me.

(Freeze-back to ground.)

Christina -

Look! I heard about this on the news! How did the reporter get up there?

Simms -

Press pass, now sit down and make nice, or I do you like I did those other two troublemakers. (She points with gun, and crowd splits to reveal Medic's one and two, trussed up tightly, and gagged!)

Christina -

Oh my god! Chris is never going to survive this. I have to talk to him!

Simms -

Sorry lady, you know the rules!

Guido -

(emerging from the building where he works as a personal trainer-) -Christina? I thought that was you! I was afraid you weren’t coming!

Christina -

Guido! (they rush into each others arms and we share a sweet moment with them.)

Guido -

(pulling away slightly) - Christina, Why haven't you been answering my pages? I've been pouring my heart out in them, and yet you've remained cold to me. (she doesn't answer immediately) Chris? What is it?

(Christina breaks away. When she does, we get our first good look at Guido. He is tall and muscular, like something straight out of a fitness catalogue, he wears exercise pants over a tight men’s leotard that has, of all things, an American flag pattern, overwhich is the title - "Personal Trainer".)

Christina -

Oh, I'm sorry, I was having one of those weeks, you know, when you just don’t want people to see you.

Guido -

What is it darling? What's wrong?

Christina -

It's Chris, I'm afraid for him. I think he's going to kill himself.

Guido -

What? How? Why?

Christina -

The pager's gone Guido! I looked in my drawer, and it wasn't there. He has to know about us! Didn't I tell you that if he ever found out he'd do something crazy?!

Guido -

Yeah, but I though you meant buying you a Ferrari or something.

Christina -

I have to talk to him!

Guido -

But...Chris, I thought you were going to leave him...come away with me to a better life......

Christina -

I want to Pookie, but I don't want him to die, I don't want that burden on my soul. After all, a part of me still loves him.....

Guido -

And I suppose that means that you don't love me.

Christina -

Of course not!

Guido -

Then come away with me!

Christina -

But I do love him...

Guido -

Alright! No need to rub my heart in it!

Christina -

I'm in love with you.... You have my heart. But I can't start the next chapter in my life without finishing this one!

Guido -

I guess that this is not what you had in mind then is it?

Christina -

(crying laughter - release) - Well...it's not exactly a Ferrari, is it?

Guido -

(Cell phone Rings) Damn it, this had better be an emergency....(he retrieves his Cell Phone from his shorts, and flicks it open) Hello? Who? I'm sorry but I think you have the wrong number. (He hangs it up and begins to return it to his shorts as he mutters expletives.)

Christina-

Wait! The cell phone! That's it! Give it to me.... Pookie - Guido-, if this works out, I'm gonna marry you!!

Guido -

....hang on, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment....maybe we should try living together first.

Christina -

Just give me the damn phone (he hands it over)

(Ledge fades back in)

Karen -

(as camera begins to make funny noises) Damnit! Cue commercial. Okay, we're clear...take a chance to walk around guys, stretch your legs...Christopher; that was excellent work...very intriguing stuff. Mr. Tingle, that was....um .....that was different. (Turns and starts fiddling with the camera - we get the idea that something is broken)

Pepperton -

(standing, walking, swinging arms, etc. Pager goes off.) Oh my...is it finally time Pookie? (reverently checks the message) Oh yes, you want me down there with you!

Pat -

Mr. Narrator, isn't it about time to give this man's story a happy ending?

Narrator -

I'm sorry Pat, but in the end, Man's misinterpretation of God's commands will lead him to his downfall. The signals are too mixed up.

Pat -

But that's horrible! It's depressing! I don't like the guy very much, but I gotta feel for him. He's just a victim, there's no reason why he should die.

Narrator -

Listen to the pot call the kettle black.

Pat -

You were right, okay! He's not crazy! Do something for him!

Narrator -

It's not my job...all the people he needs are here...only Chris can save himself.

Guido -

Do you think he read it?

Christina -

(tearful) I don't know, I'm going to tell him I love him.(she begins to dial)

Guido -

(putting an arm around her) This is why I love you, Chris

Pat -

He can save himself. Why can't I save myself?! Are my reasons for killing myself that much better than his? He has so much to live for! He's not depressed or insane! Just cheated and confused!

Pepperton -

(as pager beeps)- Mr. Tingle, it was nice to meet you...I think maybe we'll see each other soon. There is a Heaven - you'll see! Goodbye Mrs. Ong, I'm sorry I can't help you finish your live coverage of this suicide.

Karen -

Damnit the film is jammed! Wait Chris! Wait please! (to Cameraman) Take that hunk of junk down and fix it, you're not paid just to carry it and point it at the news! (to Pat) You stay right here! I came here to film a suicide today, and I won't be cheated! (She exits with camera man)

Pat -

Chris you don't have to do this! Please?

Pepperton -

I'm coming Pookie! Show me the sign!

Christina -

I don't think he's got the pager turned on, I'm sure he'd answer me...all he has to do is duck inside and pick up one a phone!

Simms -

Look ma'am, I told ya you couldn't talk to the people on the ledge. That means not live, not via cell-phone, or pager or whatever! Give the contraband here.

Christina -

(to herself) There has to be a way to reach him!

Pepperton -

Pookie!?

Simms -

C'mon lady! (Simms grabs for the phone, Christina struggles to hold on, a slight tug of war, and Simms has the phone. In the struggle however, something has happened and the phone begins to dial once more.) Oh...what's it doing?

Christina -

(snatching phone back quickly) It's re-dialing!

Pepperton -

(pager goes off in an island of silence) Goodbye everyone!

Pat -

(quietly - desperate) It's a lie Chris!

Pepperton -

(A moment. - Sincere) ...I know.

(Silence. He leaps, arms outstretched as the pager continues to beep. On the ground, all heads watch Pepperton in unison as he falls and lands with a thud. The pager, which has beeped the whole way down, breaks on impact and sticks producing one prolonged beep, reminiscent of the flatline displays in hospitals)

Narrator -

(in the silence after - softly)- Man's communication with God is breaking down, we see it all the time. In our churches, in our homes. Something that was once pure, once instinctive, is all but lost. Our industry rules our hearts, and our souls are lost to the religious machine.... Pat, I'm almost done here. You're life is your own. Jump, or don't jump - I can't stop you.

(There is another moment of silence, during which things on the ground resolve in half light - Christina collapses against Guido, who silently leads her off stage. Simms waves gun frantically, but no one is paying attention. People seem stunned by their encounter with death. All the rivalries between the ensemble resolve themselves, as the crowd bands together and then separates to drift off stage in smaller groups. Schindler's List plays in the background. When Simms realizes that there is no one left, not even the medics, she lowers her gun, waits a lonely beat and slowly sets up a police line. After a moment's glance at Pepperton's landing spot, Simms exits as well. All but ledge fades to black. The ledge is now in an island of light, with Pat in the center, and the Narrator half shadowed)

Pat -

(carefully)- Why me?

Narrator -

(less obnoxious than usual, almost sad) What?

Pat -

(shaken) Why should I know the truth! Is this just a game to you? To give the people with only a few moments left a glimpse at the greater mysteries? Is there a purpose to your interference! Look at me! I don't deserve to live! I don't deserve my life! I haven't worked for it. Not for one moment in my life did I ever work for what I ended up with. Do you know what my friends are like? Hard working, honest people! Most of them won't see in their life times the kind of money that I acquired over night. And the money's just part of it! Happiness? It came to me, over and over and over again, but I didn't recognize it. Or I didn't have the strength to hold on to it! I have a kind of cursed happiness, a deadly lazy, contented feeling that fills my gut with bile! I feel like I'm eating pure sugar, day in and day out - I'm only getting empty calories out of my life! I have a reality that most people can't even imagine! And yet I can't enjoy it. What stops me? Why can't I be content with my life? Why does this seem to be the only way out?

Narrator -

(after a moments though)- Pat, what is the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your life?

Pat -

(bitter and sad)- Money! Money and Family....and Friends!....and...Oh God, how whiny and spoiled do I sound.......?

Narrator -

And the best thing?

Pat -

(beginning to break down)-I don't know...I don't know...

Narrator -

Try Pat...think

Pat -

(sobbing)- I don't know...

Narrator -

Damn it Pat!

Pat -

(exploding...then very quiet)- Today!!.......damn it....today is the best day of my life......today....

Narrator -

Then you're going to be okay.

Blackout.