Jokes #3

A golfer tried three straight times to hit a golf ball over the inlet of water between him and the green. But each time the ball splashes into the drink. In utter frustration the golfer said, "Caddie, take my clubs on in, I'm going to jump into the water and drown myself."

The caddie replied, "I doubt that, sir. You couldn't keep your head down long enough to drown!"

A priest is playing a round of golf at the local public course when he arrives at the 15th tee. This hole is a 160 yard par three with a lake in the front of the green. It is also the padre's nemesis, no matter how well or how poorly he is playing. Upon arriving at the tee, the priest tees up his ball, gets ready to hit and, at the last minute, looks toward the heavens and says, "God, I have been a good and decent man. Please, just this once, let me hit a shot which will carry the lake and get onto the green."

As he is about to swing, a loud, deep voice booms from the heavens and says, "Use a new ball, they go farther." The preacher steps back, thinks about the heavenly advice and goes to his bag and gets a brand new ball. He takes his stance and once again the heavenly voice booms, "Take a practice swing first." The preacher is now awestruck by the heavenly advice, so he steps back from the ball and takes a practice swing.

He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, "Use the old ball."

After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees.

The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."

One morning, a gentleman caused a horrible slice off the first tee. He threw his driver back into the bag and proceeded toward the wooded area where he thought his shot had entered. Shortly after entering the woods, he noticed he was coming upon the fence surrounding the golf course.

On the other side of the fence was a road with numerous police, fire and ambulances attending what looked like an over turned school bus. The golfer stopped at the fence, called over a bystander and inquired, "What in heaven's name happened here?" The answer brought chills up the golfers back as he was told that it looked as though a small round object had crashed through the drivers window; striking the driver in the forehead and causing instant death. Unfortunately, that was not the worst! Several students riding on the bus had been critically injured with multiple fractures and two small children had been found thrown from the bus and were pronounced dead at the scene.

The golfer was in a state of shock, and without saying a word, quickly and quietly turned and headed back for the club house before anyone suspected him of this horrible tragedy. Upon arriving at the club house, he knew he could not hold this secret inside and looked for an official of the club.

No one seemed to be around except the club pro in the pro shop. Without hesitation, the golfer threw open the door to the pro shop, ran in and stated, "I sliced off of number 1 and the ball went through a school bus window and it killed the driver, critically injured several students and caused the death of two young students! What in heaven's name do I do now?" To which the pro replied, "You might try either closing the club face a bit or moving your back leg in the direction you want the ball to travel!"

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

One evening a man and wife were lying in bed. He was reading and she was watching television and brooding.
"Darling," she started.
"Um," he replied.
"If I died would you get married again?" she continued.
Knowing this was a trick question, he thought for a moment before answering. "I don't see why not. Our marriage has been a happy one and you'd want me to be happy again, wouldn't you?" he countered laying down his book and taking her hand.
"Yes, I suppose," she answered.

They continued in silence for a while; his reading and her watching television and continuing to brood.
"Darling," she started again.
"Um," he replied.
"If you got married again, would you let your new wife wear my dresses?"
He put his book down and once again took her hand. Again realizing this was a loaded question with no correct answer, he thought for a moment and answered. "I guess I would. After all, it would be a shame just to throw away those nice clothes of yours."

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding even more.
"Darling," she once again started.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her wear my shoes?"
This time without putting his book aside, he said, "Yes, and for the same reason. It would be a shame to throw away all your expensive shoes."

They lapsed back into silence; his reading and her watching television and brooding herself into a darker mood.
"Darling," she said, renewing the inquisition.
"Um," he replied.
"Would you let her use my new Ping golf clubs?"
With no hesitation, he answered, "Of course not, she's left-handed."