Jokes #2

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt
means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''

Willie Nelson used to own his own course and was certainly a free thinker when playing there. He once said:

"It's my own damn course, and I can do anything I fell like out there. I can wear what I want. Drink what I want. Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's a par 23 and I damn near birdied the sucker the other day.''

Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which. They decided to ask the course pro to decide their fate. After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks, "which one of you used the yellow one?"

It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot!It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one!!The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight. All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole-in-one!Why?" God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St.Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

A marine drill sargent fancied a round of golf one day, and headed out to his favorite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together. It wasn't long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sargent was finishing a story about a run-a-way tank and said, "And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces." The air force commander dropped his putter, "Just what do you mean by that?" he challenged. "Well," the sargent went on, "who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you're out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?" The air force commander putted out, angerily he said, "Well while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear tarfet in the sky? Who do you call for support when you're lossing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men." This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims. After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finaly, the marine sargent stood and said, "I've got to head back to camp. Play again next week?" To this, the air force commander said, "Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!"

Golf: a game in which the ball usually lies very poorly, but the player well.

This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
Husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clipped a tree, sideswiped the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.

Husband looks at this, and says "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."

RULES OF GOLF

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from the friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting an extra stroke, or strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot instead of hurrying it so as not to delay the game of his playing partners, he would be out in two.

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Same thing goes for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and hangs there defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.

Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics.

A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

There is no penalty for a so-called "out of bounds" shot. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not be a problem. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard. Golf balls should float. The fact that they do not is a technological problem that the manufacturers have not yet overcome. Again, the golfer should not be punished for someone else's shortcomings.

Advertisements constantly proclaim that golf scores can be markedly improved by purchasing the newest clubs, balls, shoes and other golfing accessories. Since this is financially impossible for the average golfer, 1/2 stroke per hole may be subtracted from the score for using old equipment.