When Theseus was a teenager,
he lifted this really big huge boulder, and it made him really famous as
a hero all around the world. Theseus was so conceited that he thought
his father was a god. So it came as a surprise when his mother told
him that his father ruled a neighboring kingdom. Theseus had never
met his father and was raised by his mother and grandfather. All that
his father left behind was a message saying that if his son could lift a
heavy boulder that he had lifted then his son would find a treasure. His
mom led him to the site of the boulder to see if he was strong enough to
live up to his father's expectations. Theseus had to understand that
he would be completely disowned and hated throughout his family for eternity
if he could not lift this boulder. Theseus walked over to the boulder
and easily picked it up. How this exactly came to be is very vague,
and mythtellers obviously didn't want to tell the hard but sad truth. Which
is that Theseus had a difficult time lifting the boulder and he was very
puny as a child. He used dance steps to fight, advancing with fancy
footwork, and using his mind. Through this exercise, he realized that
the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Theseus only invented this
because he was too puny to beat his opponents physically. Underneath
the stone, Theseus found some memoirs left by his father. His mother
also revealed that his father was King Augeas of Athens. He was prodded
by his senses to take up a heroic journey to find his long-lost father. He
had to decide whether he would take the seaward or the landward route. He
decided on the landward route, which was much more full of evil, wicked, bad
people, and thugs. He decided that with his new "oh-heroic-mindpowers"
he could give these villains a taste of their own medicine. He left
from his birthplace, which was Troezen. In his travels, he came across
a guy nicknamed "Club Man". This name had to do with his choice of idiotic
weaponry. Theseus calmly walked up to him, and brained him with his
own club. The next obstacle in his path was named Sinis. This
troublemaker asked passing travelers to help him bend two tall pine trees
to the ground. The reason why any normal person would want to participate
in this activity is very vague. It was thought that Sinis had "persuasive
powers" that caused people to bend trees. If the people ever managed
to get the trees to the ground, he would tie one of his helper's wrists to
each tree. He then became "oh-so-fatigued" and had to take a break.
When the strain became too great, the victim had to let go of the ground.
Their anatomy was then thrown in all directions. Theseus decided
to turn the tablee on Sinis by tying his wrists to the trees and letting nature
take its course.
One of Theseus' most interesting encounters was that of Procrustes. You
see, Procrustes had a roadside house in which he let passersby sleep. A
lot of people wanted to sleep there because of the guest beds' "awesome powers."
This bed would fit anyone who slept in it, whether they were short,
tall, fat, or skinny. But in the end, the bed didn't really change to
fit them- they were changed to fit the bed. That's right, folks, if
you were too tall, they would hack your legs off. If you were too short,
they would stretch you out. Anyone who survived this cruel and unusual
bed-and-breakfast never returned. Theseus made Procrustes fit his bed
by fatally adjusting him. When at last Theseus came upon his father,
he found the encounter much less than welcoming. At first, our friend
did not reveal his identity, but was hailed as a hero for ridding the roadway
of highwaymen. Since he was such an honorable person, he was invited
to the palace for a banquet. His father had a whole heck of a lot of
wives, and his newest addition was named Medea. This is the same Medea
who helped Jason steal the Golden Fleece. After Medea helped Jason
on his little exploit, he vowed his love for her, only to dump her on a dock
as soon as they got home. It turned out that he had a perfect reason
for this dumping thing, you see, he saw a girl that was prettier on the dock.
Medea hated Theseus and thought that he was too ignorant to be king.
Medea persuaded the king to give him poisoned wine, but the hero didn't
drink it because he paused to carve his dinner which happened to be boar's
meat. When he raised his sword up, he was about to call out his name
when the king recognized the pattern on Theseus' sword. He recognized
the sword because it was the one that he had left under the rock for his
son. The king knocked over the poisoned wine that he had served to
his own son. Meanwhile, the king's newly found bride made her getaway
in a chariot pulled by dragons. When Theseus ran outside to stop her,
the dragons mauled him. Once they stretched him out beyond recognition,
and breathed fire on him until his insides were deliciously roasted, they
stomped on him. This stomping went on until his blood and tears mixed with
the dirt of the road. Theseus was never seen again. People unknowingly
walk over this spot each day. They might choose another route if they
knew the disgusting story behind the dirt they walked on.
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